Dear Diver,

I was recently at a zoo and the great ape house bummed me out. I watched as scores of morons (humans) made faces at this angry looking gorilla behind thick glass. I thought "this gorilla wants to commit suicide it's so freaking depressed." I thought the humans making faceswere probably dumber than the gorilla. Do you agree?



It seems as though the key premise of a zoo is to harass the animals. Sure there are a few non-morons, such as yourself, who go to enjoy the wildlife. It's to be expected at a place geared to families and especially little kids that there will be some unruly patrons. Rather than being upset about the harassment, you should take a proactive approach. Write your local congressman and suggest that devices be installed to allow the gorillas the ability to get even. Ask that a button be installed on the gorilla's side of the glass that when pressed makes a sound equally as annoying that the one caused by the morons.

Yours in cagedom, Divers


My wife wants me to go sky diving for our 25th wedding anniversary. This scares the hell out of me. But I'm afraid if I don't do it, she'll think I don't want to do anything special for our anniversary. That's not the case, I just don't want to sky dive. What do you recommend? Go through with it, or find something else (and safer) to do.



Buck up! Going sky diving is an awesome opportunity and you should feel lucky that you have a wife that is adventurous enough to plan this. If you are worried about your blood pressure , plan a trip to the spa after, followed by a nice dinner.

Don't forget to pull the rip-cord,


Jenny and Darby of Durango Bagel (with a little pinch hitting from afternoon swing shifters Chesleigh and Heather)

Facts: These women specialize in laying it on thick.


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at, or by fax at 259-0448.


Like you, I work in the food industry. I know it's wrong but every time a customer is rude, I feel like spitting in his or her food. Just last night a teen-ager, after ordering his pizza, remarked "get on that, pizza boy." Well, guess what he got in his pizza? Is this wrong? What can I do to either calm myself or make customers nicer?

Anonymous cook in Telluride via e-mail


Yes, it is totally wrong and disgusting. Maybe next time you should tell him it will be ready as soon as possible and take your sweet time. Remember, you only have to deal with him for a few minutes. If you really feel the need for revenge you could put some hot sauce on his pizza.


Dear Diver,

I just found out the man I've been dating for the last nine months is married (separated) with kids! I dumped a great guy for him, and then we moved to a ski location farther West together. My suspicions began a few months ago, and when I confronted him he said they were "cousins." They were wife and kids! I feel like such a sucker.

Disgruntled, dismayed and disappointed in Durango

Hey Triple D,

Go back to that great guy from nine months ago and in nine months introduce your "cousins" to the idiot. Maybe work on the whole getting to know you bit in the first couple weeks.

Go get 'em, Divers Chesleigh and Heather



News Index Second Index Opinion Index Classifieds Index Contact Index