Diver,

I was at a family reunion recently and had good times talking about how much I like George Bush to my more liberal relatives and then bashing George Bush to my drunken Republican uncles. It made for great entertainment. Is this wrong?

- Johnny

Johnny,

Absolutely not!!! If there is any group of people that should be kept in the dark regarding every aspect of your personality, it's the family. The less people know about you, the more you can get away with and better your chances of owning a spot in everybody's last will and testament, dig? Take me for example. My paternal relatives (the greedy, racist conservatives) all think I'm junior vice president of the John Birch Society while my maternal relatives (the stinky, commie liberals) are under the impression that I do the pot with Wavy Gravy every night. Of course neither is true, but to the ailing aunts and uncles, I'm the most popular.

- Well done, Diver

Dear Diver,

I recently traveled to the Blue Ridge Mountains in Virginia. I went tubing down a beautiful river, gazed at the mountains and trees and noticed litter everywhere. People in Colorado respect the environment much more than poeple who live in the East. Are people back East just rednecks?

- Jackie

Dearest Jackie,

Have you not seen the movie "Deliverance?" There's only one thing them river ridin' rednecks care about, and litterin' ain't it. You should just consider yourself lucky you made it out of those spooky mountains without some inbred hick hollerin' at you to "squeal like a pig." Take me for example. Whenever I even hear the opening notes to "Dueling Banjos" my back's to the wall and I'm looking for some toothless hillbilly to clobber.

- Welcome home, Diver

Diver,

What is the best way to get a promotion at work without looking like a total suck-up? I keep getting passed up for better jobs at my office! I've been with this company since the git-go and when a promotion or position opens up, they seek elsewhere. I work hard, what the hell am I doing wrong?

- Hermosa Herbie

Hey Herbie,

Someone who goes by the tag Hermosa Herbie is clearly suffering from a phenomenon known as the Peter Principle. The P.P. states that individuals who are good at their jobs keep getting promoted until they reach a job they stink at. This is where they stay. Take me for example. I breezed my way through mopping and aced trash dumping, but I'm a lousy stainless steel polisher. Therefore, looks like I'll be polishing stainless steel until one of my rich uncles passes on.

- All petered out,

Diver