I was at a family reunion recently and had good times talking
about how much I like George Bush to my more liberal relatives
and then bashing George Bush to my drunken Republican uncles.
It made for great entertainment. Is this wrong?
Absolutely not!!! If there is any group of people that should
be kept in the dark regarding every aspect of your personality,
it's the family. The less people know about you, the more you
can get away with and better your chances of owning a spot
in everybody's last will and testament, dig? Take me for example.
My paternal relatives (the greedy, racist conservatives) all
think I'm junior vice president of the John Birch Society while
my maternal relatives (the stinky, commie liberals) are under
the impression that I do the pot with Wavy Gravy every night.
Of course neither is true, but to the ailing aunts and uncles,
I'm the most popular.
- Well done, Diver
I recently traveled to the Blue Ridge Mountains in Virginia.
I went tubing down a beautiful river, gazed at the mountains
and trees and noticed litter everywhere. People in Colorado
respect the environment much more than poeple who live in the
East. Are people back East just rednecks?
Have you not seen the movie "Deliverance?" There's only one
thing them river ridin' rednecks care about, and litterin'
ain't it. You should just consider yourself lucky you made
it out of those spooky mountains without some inbred hick hollerin'
at you to "squeal like a pig." Take me for example. Whenever
I even hear the opening notes to "Dueling Banjos" my back's
to the wall and I'm looking for some toothless hillbilly to
- Welcome home, Diver
What is the best way to get a promotion at work without looking
like a total suck-up? I keep getting passed up for better jobs
at my office! I've been with this company since the git-go
and when a promotion or position opens up, they seek elsewhere.
I work hard, what the hell am I doing wrong?
- Hermosa Herbie
Someone who goes by the tag Hermosa Herbie is clearly suffering
from a phenomenon known as the Peter Principle. The P.P. states
that individuals who are good at their jobs keep getting promoted
until they reach a job they stink at. This is where they stay.
Take me for example. I breezed my way through mopping and aced
trash dumping, but I'm a lousy stainless steel polisher. Therefore,
looks like I'll be polishing stainless steel until one of my
rich uncles passes on.
- All petered out,
Derek from Cuckoos
Facts: After a long absence, Derek returns with a little
help from others in the Cuckoos family.
Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?
Seek help from the
master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to
life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask
the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn
Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at firstname.lastname@example.org,
or by fax at 259-0448.
I'm sick of these fad diets! I've tried Atkins, South Beach
and numerous others. Nothing seems to help! What is with this
goofy trend of dieting? Most trends fade away, how can I tell
which trend diet is the one that will work?
You want my advice? Stop dieting! You should embrace the you
that already is you (if that is physically possible) and not
some Barbie doll image. So you've got a little extra junk in
your trunk. Who cares! You know what supermodels have for lunch?
Cigarettes. They'll kill ya faster than having a bit too much
juice in the caboose. If attracting potential mates is your
concern then forget it. There are lots of people out there
that enjoy a little spam in the can. Take me for example. Uh,
you get the point.
- Chunkily Yours,