I work in a hotel. The worst guests, ever - worse than the bikers over Labor Day (who aren't that bad at all) - are these huge groups of Baptists that come from Texas. They trash the rooms, are obnoxious and disrespectful, and downright stink. The chaperones are no better. How in the hell can a religious group be so oblivious of its surroundings and so inconsiderate of others? I'm sick of it.

- Jim


I think you need to realize that you live in Durango. Durango is a tourist trap. When the Baptists come streaming in on their vacational crusade, they're just out to have a good time. You work in a hotel; you are paid to put up with their holiday spirits. So shine that badge, brush your teeth and be somebody. If all else fails, you could just start your own religious cult and go find yourself a nice piece of land in Austin to settle on.

- Excessively, Art & Johnny

Dear Diver,

My girlfriend just dumped me. I feel like crap. I know there are "a lot more fish in the sea" as my dad says, but I don't want a lot more fish. I want her. How can I get her back? It's not like I cheated on her, she just didn't want to see me anymore, but I think she still likes me.

- Charles


First of all, you can't stop calling her. Calling her is very important. Make sure you call her at least six or seven times a day; leave messages telling her about how you can't live without her and that you need to marry her. Girls love it when you call them at work. Remember the words of a great man "Obsession is like sitting outside of someone's window with a machete in one hand and a bottle of Vicks Vap-O rub in the other."

- Most kiddingly, Art & Johnny


I'm sick of double standards! How come when a guy gets a lot of "action" he's a stud, but when a girl does she's a slut? What the hell? We women like a little "action" too, you know!

- Peach


Double standards are like belly buttons. Letters to dishwashers read: HELP, I AM TRAPPED IN BAYFIELD AND MY BATTERIES ARE DEAD. I don't know. I'm a diver at a hotel in Durango. My advice is this: Never ever, under any circumstances buy drugs from a nun.

- Ciao, Art & Johnny

Diver: Johnny and Art from the Rochester

Facts: These two know the true way to a woman's heart and also are well versed in what not to do when around people of the cloth.


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

Whatever happened to the popularity of muscle cars? I mean, there ain't nothing like a good ol' '69 Corvette, or a classic Barracuda. Do chicks still dig muscle cars?

- TJ


These days, women lean more toward the boyfriend that calls them at work all day long, or screams under their window at night; but never fret, for you, too, can find love! It's true! The Razor Scooter can be your flight to love. No woman can resist a man who can grind a 6-foot rail on the sleek edges of a Razor. But when in doubt, go with a personality or go with a Subaru.

- So much muscle, Art & Johnny






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