Dear Diver,

I’ve been trying to cure my 3-year-old from sucking her thumb. Her pediatrician said not to worry about it because her peers will tease her and she’ll stop. I decided to tease her into stopping. You know what, it worked? Do you think this is OK, a father teasing his kid into breaking bad habits?

– Patrick, via e-mail

Dear Patrick,

Talk about tormenting your child for life! I know I sucked my thumb when I was growing up, but I eventually grew out of that phase just like many other children did and had to get braces. Just wait till your kid is old enough to razz you. Don’t worry; tease now and forever know that your child will get you back tenfold when you have a head full of gray hairs by the time your kid is 13-years-old.

– Signed, You might as well bea U.S. prison soldier in Iraq

I think American kids are getting weak. My friends’ kids get three recesses at school, and you can’t even spank kids without some stranger stepping in. I was whipped with a switch, played all day without water, and managed to live, strive and survive without video games. That’s not the case for kids in America these days. They are babied and lots of American kids are fat-asses, too. Should we be tougher on our kids so they don’t grow up to be spoiled jerks?

– Wondering, Mona

Dear Mona,

Have you ever wondered who is raising these fat ass American kids? That’s right85it’s you, sucka! It’s called learned helplessness, and these impressionable kids learn from good ol’ ma and pa first. As for the question, should you be tougher on your kids? Well, when I was young and did something wrong, my dad would sometimes ask me, “Do I need to talk with my hands?” No sir! But look how I turned out. For a living, I now cook and wash dishes and watch your little brats so they don’t drown in the pool while they swim. I guess I would suggest the old snapping-the-belt scare tactic to get ’em in line. I thought that seemed to work. Also, it might help to try watching some “Charles in Charge” re-runs, he always seemed to keep ’em in line.

– Signed, Hope your kids have fun at Fat Camp!

Diver,

Why do people from Texas who vacation in Durango act like morons? Why do people who move here from Texas, mostly wanna-be hipsters from Houston or El Paso, say they are from Austin? Is Austin the only cool place in Texas?

– Your friend, Dave

Dear Dave,

Please excuse me but Texans are morons. Have you seen who our President is? Honestly, I’ve never been to Texas, and I never plan on going there...EVER! But to help rationalize why the folks from Houston and El Paso say they’re from Austin, I suggest you get yourself a gun rack, grab your bag of tweed and take a little road trip, bub. Good luck rollin’ through the Lone Star state and getting back to me after you’ve answered your own question.

– Signed, I’m never going to Oklahoma either!

P.S. How can you tell if someone is from Texas? You can’t ’cause they always tell you first.