I know you get a lot of letters regarding problem neighbors, so here’s another. My neighbors, who I’m assuming are pseudo hippies (they constantly crank Grateful Dead and Phish) leave trash all over their porch and yard. The street and sidewalk are littered with cigarette butts and the porch is a mess of beer bottles. How can these morons promote “loving the earth” when they can’t even respect the plot of land the house sits on?

– Concerned peace-loving humanitarian who talks the talk and walks the walk

Dear Concerned,

“One man gathers what another man spills.” Do you know anything about good music? You amateur, too bad Earth Day just passed. Where were you on that one, you Reagan lover? But wait, there’s still time. Durango spring clean up is under way, we suggest you lend your neighbors a hand. Give them a rake and some garbage bags and help them clean up that plot of land that is such an eyesore. While you’re at it, lend them your collection of Lionel Richie and Neil Diamond and maybe your Michael Jackson “Beat It”CD and everything will be OK.

– Signed, The Twelvers


Why is it that the rich get richer, yet the poor stay poor or even become more poor? It’s not fair.

– Hopeful future homeowner

Dear Hopeful,

Less is more, stay poor. I assume you live in Durango 85 how many jobs do you have? How many hours a week do you work? Right, that’s what we thought 85 we suggest you stop crying and start pickin’ up those pennies. Be grateful for what you have now and please 85 don’t vote for Bush again.

– Signed, The Hard Times Lounge Crew

Dear Diver,

Do peace-folk singers really want peace? People like Woody Guthrie, Joan Baez and others sing of change, but once there finally is change, will they be out of a job?

– Curious

Dear Curious,

Change is inevitable, dude. Don’t worry, we now have so-called jam band, peace-rockers like the String Cheese Incident with “change conscious” lyrics like, “Close your eyes and look inside, see what you can find, open your mind, take the time, learn from the soul.” (We didn’t really know those lyrics, but thank god for the World Wide Web!). And thanks to the String Cheese guys too. I don’t know what the whole music scene or our society would be like without them 85 psyche!

– Signed, Keep on Rockin’ in the Free World





Diver: Nicholas and Todd, of Coal Creek Corner

Facts: Hard-timers from the business formerly known as Johnny McGuire’s


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.


I caught my girlfriend making out with another dude the other night at a local drinking establishment. She told me she was going to bed early because she had to work the next day. So I go out for a beer, and I practically walk right into them. She says she was drunk and is very sorry, but I’m not sure if I want to let that be an excuse for cheating on me. Should I forgive her?

– Kurt

Dear Kurt,

Buck up little camper, you don’t lose your girlfriend; you just lose your turn. There’s plenty of fish in the sea, just not in Durango. We suggest you grow two of ’em and dump her. Good luck, Rookie!

– Signed, The Real Men





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