This guy I work with keeps saying Bush will win the upcoming election. I beg to differ, but this guy swears by it. I don’t think it’s because he likes Bush, but because he is confident in the complacency and laziness of the American people. Are we doomed to have this buffoon in office for another term?

– Curious, Jim

Dear Jim,

What your hapless co-worker doesn’t seem to get is that neither Bush nor Kerry will win. “What’s that you say?” is what you’re probably thinking, but I swear to you that come August, the Democratic convention will nominate the only man worth holding the presidency, Lyndon Larouche. I’m serious here; there will be a major scandal involving John Kerry and the only viable candidate to emerge will be Larouche. Don’t believe me? Check out the website: http:\ \ larouchein2004.net. I tell you, Larouche will humiliate Bush with his knowledge and leadership. Once elected, he will make the world a better place. Vote Larouche 2004!

– Signed, The Diver


My girlfriend is turning 21 in two weeks. What do you recommend I do for her birthday? I don’t have a lot of money, but I want to do something nice, not just take her out and get her loaded since she is turning 21. What do you think I should do so that I can really charm her?

– Brian in Durango

Dear Brian,

I have a solution for you that is only as expensive as the energy you use to bust out your White Lion, “Pride” tape. Yeah, put on that last song; you know, “When the Children Cry.” Man, it’ll melt her heart! I also suggest erotic massage.

– Signed, Love Diver

Dear Diver,

My obnoxious father-in-law is coming to stay with us this summer. I love his son, however when this loud, cynical jerk comes to visit, his son acts as bad as him. My father-in-law puts down my cooking, lets the grandkids to do whatever they want, drinks, curses, makes lewd comments and much more. Anything you can tell me will help!

– Distressed

Dear Distressed,

What if I were to tell you that your father-in-law is a Free Mason involved in a worldwide conspiracy to fluoridate your stomach? I have further information that says he is actually made of cotton and his eyebrows are penciled-in. He is a circus clown on the side. He also has a pentagram tatooed on his butt. I hope this is helpful information.

– Signed, Diver of the Year, 2003.





Diver: Dan Groth of the now-defunct Buzz House

Facts: This could be Dan Groth’s last edition of the diver. Due to the closing of the Buzz House, Dan may be permanently retiring from dishing out advice.


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.


Is summer camp still a good place to send kids for the summer? It seems so 1950s. Is it a helpful way to build discipline and character?

– Curious parent in Bayfield

Dear Curious Parent,

You sir, are asking the right guy. I L-O-V-E-D summer camp! I went to both Boy Scout and church camp when I was a kid, and it was a great escape from the monotony of regular existence. I suggest you stop thinking of it as some kind of wholesome, white bread, 1950s experience. Anyways, lots of kids learn how to smoke at summer camp. What could be less wholesome than that?

– Signed, Diver





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