| Diver,
This guy I work with keeps saying Bush will win
the upcoming election. I beg to differ, but this guy swears
by it. I don’t think it’s because he likes Bush,
but because he is confident in the complacency and laziness
of the American people. Are we doomed to have this buffoon in
office for another term?
– Curious, Jim
Dear Jim,
What your hapless co-worker doesn’t seem to get is that
neither Bush nor Kerry will win. “What’s that you
say?” is what you’re probably thinking, but I swear
to you that come August, the Democratic convention will nominate
the only man worth holding the presidency, Lyndon Larouche.
I’m serious here; there will be a major scandal involving
John Kerry and the only viable candidate to emerge will be Larouche.
Don’t believe me? Check out the website:
http:\ \ larouchein2004.net. I tell you, Larouche will humiliate
Bush with his knowledge and leadership. Once elected, he will
make the world a better place. Vote Larouche 2004!
– Signed, The Diver
Diver, My
girlfriend is turning 21 in two weeks. What do you recommend
I do for her birthday? I don’t have a lot of money, but
I want to do something nice, not just take her out and get her
loaded since she is turning 21. What do you think I should do
so that I can really charm her?
– Brian in Durango
Dear Brian,
I have a solution for you that is only as expensive as the
energy you use to bust out your White Lion, “Pride”
tape. Yeah, put on that last song; you know, “When the
Children Cry.” Man, it’ll melt her heart! I also
suggest erotic massage.
– Signed, Love Diver
Dear Diver,
My obnoxious father-in-law is coming to stay with
us this summer. I love his son, however when this loud, cynical
jerk comes to visit, his son acts as bad as him. My father-in-law
puts down my cooking, lets the grandkids to do whatever they
want, drinks, curses, makes lewd comments and much more. Anything
you can tell me will help!
– Distressed
Dear Distressed,
What if I were to tell you that your father-in-law is a Free
Mason involved in a worldwide conspiracy to fluoridate your
stomach? I have further information that says he is actually
made of cotton and his eyebrows are penciled-in. He is a circus
clown on the side. He also has a pentagram tatooed on his butt.
I hope this is helpful information.
– Signed, Diver of the Year, 2003.
|
|
Diver: Dan
Groth of the now-defunct Buzz House
Facts: This could be Dan Groth’s
last edition of the diver. Due to the closing of the Buzz
House, Dan may be permanently retiring from dishing out
advice.
|
|
Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?
Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions
to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask
the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn
Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at
telegraph@durangotelegraph.com,
or by fax at 259-0448. |
Diver,
Is summer camp still a good place to send kids for
the summer? It seems so 1950s. Is it a helpful way to build
discipline and character?
– Curious parent in Bayfield
Dear Curious Parent,
You sir, are asking the right guy. I L-O-V-E-D summer camp!
I went to both Boy Scout and church camp when I was a kid, and
it was a great escape from the monotony of regular existence.
I suggest you stop thinking of it as some kind of wholesome,
white bread, 1950s experience. Anyways, lots of kids learn how
to smoke at summer camp. What could be less wholesome than that?
– Signed, Diver
|
