Footloose and fancy free
It's April Fool's Day, and across the world toilets will
be blowing up, tops on salt shakers will be loosened and
pizzas will be delivered to houses that didn't order them.
While this is all good and fun, as stewards of the common
good, we here at the Telegraph aspire to a higher moral
standard. As much as we would like to fill these pages
with stories about the "Bureau of Recreation" scrapping
the Animas-La Plata project in favor of another dog park,
the "Colorado Department of Transformation" building a
double-decker highway from Durango to Bayfield or Ben
Nighthorse Campbell coming out with his own line of men's
Western wear, we feel it would be a disservice to our
readership. The forefathers of this country bestowed upon
the press a great right with the First Amendment, and
as journalists, it is our duty not to abuse that right.
It is upon this premise
that fellow editor and publisher, Will Sands, and I have founded
the Telegraph . And I know if Will were here today,
he would agree with me wholeheartedly. However, Will left town last
week under the guise of a well-deserved "family vacation." But now
that he's not here, I can spill the beans and tell you that he
actually has taken the week off to compete in the world ballet
skiing championships, being held at some place in France that I
can't pronounce. Will has put in many long hours training for the
event, doing lap upon lap on the Six Pack spurred on only by the
"Footloose" soundtrack on his headphones and dreams of a gold medal
dancing in his head. We wish him godspeed.
contributions are greatly missed, his absence has allowed me to
sell the paper for a ridiculous sum without his knowledge. From
here on out, the Telegraph
be wholly owned by Larry
Flynt Publications. The first move of the new management will be to
change the spelling of "Telegraph" to "Telegraf," because "it
sounds more rad and is easier to spell." Other than that, Mr. Flynt
has promised to keep everything the same, with the exception of the
centerfold, which now will feature a pin-up of the weekly Diver.
The roles of editor/publisher now will be filled by Miss July 2003
and Miss December 2004, respectively. They promise to fulfill all
the duties heretofore performed by Will and myself, with the
exception of typing, because "it's hell on acrylic nails." Oh, and
you also can forget about paper delivery. Do you have any idea how
hard it is to get newspaper ink out of lingerie? Instead, you can
now look for us in the plain brown wrapper at your friendly
neighborhood convenience store.
The change in ownership
has been a mixed bag. For Mike Sheahan, resident night owl and
author of our weekly entertainment guide, "The Goods," it has
resulted in upward mobility. After intense negotiations and an
extreme makeover, Sheahan has been appointed to write a column on
men's grooming and fashion, called "Four Corners Metrosexual." Look
for his first column to offer tips on getting a really close shave
and dressing up flannel, baseball caps and Chuck Taylors for a
night on the town.
Bryant Liggett, our "Ask
the Diver" coordinator also was retained by the new administration.
Based upon his success with local TV's "Frames Per Second," his
duties will be expanded to include adult movie reviews as well. For
Ligget, this is the realization of a lifelong dream, which could
possibly springboard him into further involvement in the
As for the rest of our
staffers, they will be replaced by an automated drone, er, phone
system. Our newest hire, Seth Wagner, has taken the news as an
opportunity to reunite with his former all-male country band, whose
name is not fit to print but is a variation on the "Dixie Chicks"
theme. The boys have already landed their first gig as the opening
act at the Aztec Speedway, and they hope to go into the studio this
summer to work on an Alan Jackson tribute album. We wish the boys
luck and hope Seth recovers from his mechanical bull riding
Jen Reeder, our employee
of the month for 18 months standing, was reportedly despondent over
the news of the takeover and the fact that the Telegraph will be replacing its "thumb" icons
with those cute little e-mail emoticons. She was last seen taunting
drivers at the Main Avenue and College intersection, and we have
reports that she was abducted by the traveling Jagermeister bus and
has been forced into a life of servitude as a "Jager
Unfortunately, not all
of our employees are success stories.
Star freelancer, Amy
Maestas, was assigned to staff the Telegraph 's new Yukon bureau. Although
reportedly suffering from an acute case of seasonal affective
disorder, she has become quite adept at caribou hunting and dog
mushing. Todd Newcomer, our promising young photographer, has been
battling a raging case of trench foot and Dengue fever after
shooting a 12-day adventure race in the jungles of Bora Bora. Word
is the hallucinations have stopped, and we expect him to be back on
his foot in no time.
Which is a good thing.
Because when the Bureau of Rec starts filling in that great big
hole next to the river, we'll need lots of pictures.