| Dear
Diver,
Summer’s approaching, and I need to get tan
quick! Any ideas? Tanning salon? Tanning pills? Are those things
safe?
– Marge
Dear Marge,
First off, Marge, tanning is over-rated. Nevertheless, if you
are set on getting a nice tan then do it the natural way that
costs nothing. All you need to do is rub cod liver oil all over
yourself and sit down by the river for three hours a day. You
will get bored down there, and you don’t want to fall
asleep and get too much sun, so take a few adult magazines to
keep yourself entertained.
– Good luck, Diver
Diver, How
can I get my cranky father to change his old-fashioned ways?
He is refusing to come see his new grandchild because my partner
and I are not married yet. He loves all his other grandkids,
but won’t acknowledge my child. How can I delicately approach
this?
– Bummed son
Dear Bummed Son,
Your father sounds like a traditional guy, but traditional
men love traditional beer! So what you need to do is give him
a call and see if he wants to shoot the s—t and catch
up at the V.F.W or Elks Club for a few Pabsts. After you have
him good and boozed, make up a few white lies about how you
and your girlfriend are going to head down to Vegas and get
married, but the only way you can do this is if he will take
your child for a weekend. Life will then take its course, and
he will fall in love with your child, and you and the missus
get a weekend alone to spend together. Smell what I’m
steppin’ in?
–Thanks, Diver
Diver,
Is the Internet a legitimate way to meet girls?
What ever happened to meeting women by as going to a bar, ice
cream social or dance? I keep joining these chat rooms, and
it seems like they are filled with weirdos, girls that say they
are older than they are, or people looking to heckle.
– Charlie
Dear Charlie,
The Internet is a useful tool to find INFORMATION, not your
next wife! I don’t know how to break it to ya slick, but
you’re one of the weirdos that you speak of so highly
in your question. You can only trust half of what women tell
ya at the bars, so how do you expect to trust them on the Internet
where you can’t even see them, bro. Just keep on looking,
Charlie, and remember that in Durango the beer flows like wine,
and the weather and the women are a little warmer. Here is a
little Quote from John C. Holmes, “Women will treat you
as good as you treat them.”
– Good luck, Diver
|
|
Diver: Semex from
Cuckoos.
Facts: Cuckoos is the mysterious realm
of mysterious Divers who come and go like gun-slinging
strangers in the Old West.
|
|
Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?
Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions
to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask
the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn
Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at
telegraph@durangotelegraph.com,
or by fax at 259-0448. |
Diver,
Why does everyone keep attempting nonviolent solutions
to problems in the world? Let’s face it, violence stopped
slavery (the Civil War,) violence stopped the German’s
first attempt at world domination (WWI), and violence stopped
the Nazis the second time around (WWII). Hell, up until recently
my son who is in the third grade would come home crying every
day telling me about the bully in his class who teased him.
After months of him getting fed up with me saying “well
son, he’s just a bully and the best thing you can do is
ignore him and walk away” my son hauled off and punched
him in the mouth. Strike up one for violence. Why is violence
the only solution to stop violence?
– Mike, via e-mail
Dear Mike via email,
We are turning into a bunch of barbarians in this day and age,
and in some cases the only way to stop violence is with violence.
I hope that you don’t think it is right to teach your
third-grader that violence is the only answer! Can’t he
call the bully a stupid head or claim that his dad can beat
up his dad? After all, the two are probably fighting about who
gets to chase the cutest girl with a jump rope at recess. Also,
I really don’t see how you can bring up past wars that
have killed so many innocent people into an argument over a
third-grader getting a little guff, and Mike, he isn’t
the only one!
– Thanks, Diver
|
