Dear Diver,

Summer’s approaching, and I need to get tan quick! Any ideas? Tanning salon? Tanning pills? Are those things safe?

– Marge

Dear Marge,

First off, Marge, tanning is over-rated. Nevertheless, if you are set on getting a nice tan then do it the natural way that costs nothing. All you need to do is rub cod liver oil all over yourself and sit down by the river for three hours a day. You will get bored down there, and you don’t want to fall asleep and get too much sun, so take a few adult magazines to keep yourself entertained.

– Good luck, Diver


How can I get my cranky father to change his old-fashioned ways? He is refusing to come see his new grandchild because my partner and I are not married yet. He loves all his other grandkids, but won’t acknowledge my child. How can I delicately approach this?

– Bummed son

Dear Bummed Son,

Your father sounds like a traditional guy, but traditional men love traditional beer! So what you need to do is give him a call and see if he wants to shoot the s—t and catch up at the V.F.W or Elks Club for a few Pabsts. After you have him good and boozed, make up a few white lies about how you and your girlfriend are going to head down to Vegas and get married, but the only way you can do this is if he will take your child for a weekend. Life will then take its course, and he will fall in love with your child, and you and the missus get a weekend alone to spend together. Smell what I’m steppin’ in?

–Thanks, Diver


Is the Internet a legitimate way to meet girls? What ever happened to meeting women by as going to a bar, ice cream social or dance? I keep joining these chat rooms, and it seems like they are filled with weirdos, girls that say they are older than they are, or people looking to heckle.

– Charlie

Dear Charlie,

The Internet is a useful tool to find INFORMATION, not your next wife! I don’t know how to break it to ya slick, but you’re one of the weirdos that you speak of so highly in your question. You can only trust half of what women tell ya at the bars, so how do you expect to trust them on the Internet where you can’t even see them, bro. Just keep on looking, Charlie, and remember that in Durango the beer flows like wine, and the weather and the women are a little warmer. Here is a little Quote from John C. Holmes, “Women will treat you as good as you treat them.”

– Good luck, Diver





Diver: Semex from Cuckoos.

Facts: Cuckoos is the mysterious realm of mysterious Divers who come and go like gun-slinging strangers in the Old West.


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at, or by fax at 259-0448.


Why does everyone keep attempting nonviolent solutions to problems in the world? Let’s face it, violence stopped slavery (the Civil War,) violence stopped the German’s first attempt at world domination (WWI), and violence stopped the Nazis the second time around (WWII). Hell, up until recently my son who is in the third grade would come home crying every day telling me about the bully in his class who teased him. After months of him getting fed up with me saying “well son, he’s just a bully and the best thing you can do is ignore him and walk away” my son hauled off and punched him in the mouth. Strike up one for violence. Why is violence the only solution to stop violence?

– Mike, via e-mail

Dear Mike via email,

We are turning into a bunch of barbarians in this day and age, and in some cases the only way to stop violence is with violence. I hope that you don’t think it is right to teach your third-grader that violence is the only answer! Can’t he call the bully a stupid head or claim that his dad can beat up his dad? After all, the two are probably fighting about who gets to chase the cutest girl with a jump rope at recess. Also, I really don’t see how you can bring up past wars that have killed so many innocent people into an argument over a third-grader getting a little guff, and Mike, he isn’t the only one!

– Thanks, Diver





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