Why do people blame television for the stupidity of humans? It seems like whenever teen-agers die from stupid stunts, they blame “Jackass.” However, who did the Romans blame for the stupidity of throwing people to the lions?

– Just curious, Jack

I don’t know jack.

There, it’s out.

First question: Television ranks right up there with the toaster among the greatest inventions of all time, so for anyone to blame stupidity on television is just that, stupid. Second question: This is a tough one, so I asked a couple of other people about this and came up with either the Christians or Romulus as answers. I think it probably comes down to our innate love of carnage in all its stupidly wonderful forms. Look at the rodeo. Thinking of rodeo, it is important to remember the role lots and lots of beer plays in stupid behavior, that and seldom successful misguided (beer) attempts to impress the ladies. That always helps me act stupid. Stop being so curious, I’m having a hard time focusing at work.

– Thanks, Diver


My 5-month-old loves to stare at the TV. Is this good for her?

– Dad in Durango

Well Dad,

This is absolutely OK for your daughter; just make sure you are there by her side for the pivotal decisions television will put before her. Some of these decisions will include: whitening or standard (yellowing?) toothpaste; solid or gel deodorant; shampoo/conditioner combo or just shampoo; and, possibly most important of all, Coke, Pepsi or Dr.Pepper. I can’t, from personal experience, condone Dr. Pepper. As a youth, I also wanted to “be a Pepper” and look how I turned out. You may as well get her started on a preventative regimen of Nicorette and Valtrex to hopefully ease that whole teen-age rebellion thing. Keep away from the Teletubbies, I don’t know what it is but something really creepy is going on there.

– Good luck, Diver

Dear Diver,

Are American cars really better than foreign cars? Is there a difference?

– Hank

Hey Hank,

Who told you American cars are really better anyway? American cars have, for the most part, sucked since about 1970. Only recently have they achieved an acceptable level of mediocrity. They are better than French cars which “really” suck. Germans, while historically challenged in the human relations arena, construct some “really” fine automobiles, albeit frighteningly expensive. Go Toyota, boring but they roll forever. Really.

– Thanks, Diver



Diver: Squeak from Guido’s

Facts: Squeak was a former fifth grade spelling bee champ, but misspelled “happened” at a schoolwide bee and gave up spelling bees forever.


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.


I was recently out on a Friday night and was over-served by my local bartender. I was then too intoxicated to drive so I left my car in town. When I got to my car the next morning, my tire had been slashed and the hood had been keyed. I haven’t wronged anyone in town, and I’m wondering why this happened and how I can go about finding the guilty.

– Julie, via e-mail

Unfortunately for you, Julie, unless you catch them in the act, vandals usually get away with it. It was probably someone who watched too much television as an infant, drank a bunch of beer and failed miserably at impressing the ladies. So, what you need to decide is what to do now. You could share your misfortune with others and do some slashing and keying of your own or maybe defile your bartender’s car for over-serving you in the first place (super, super bad idea). I think you should turn the key marks into some racing stripes, or flowers if you’re a hippie; not fix your tire and go on your merry way secure in the fact that you won’t be getting a DUI anytime soon. Besides, being over-served is way more fun with no car, all sorts of hilarious hijinks may befall you while walking. Blessing in a crappy disguise, I say.

– Thanks for playing, Diver





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