| Why
do people blame television for the stupidity of humans? It seems
like whenever teen-agers die from stupid stunts, they blame
“Jackass.” However, who did the Romans blame for
the stupidity of throwing people to the lions?
– Just curious, Jack
I don’t know jack.
There, it’s out.
First question: Television ranks right up there with the toaster
among the greatest inventions of all time, so for anyone to
blame stupidity on television is just that, stupid. Second question:
This is a tough one, so I asked a couple of other people about
this and came up with either the Christians or Romulus as answers.
I think it probably comes down to our innate love of carnage
in all its stupidly wonderful forms. Look at the rodeo. Thinking
of rodeo, it is important to remember the role lots and lots
of beer plays in stupid behavior, that and seldom successful
misguided (beer) attempts to impress the ladies. That always
helps me act stupid. Stop being so curious, I’m having
a hard time focusing at work.
– Thanks, Diver
Diver, My 5-month-old loves to stare
at the TV. Is this good for her?
– Dad in Durango
Well Dad,
This is absolutely OK for your daughter; just make sure you
are there by her side for the pivotal decisions television will
put before her. Some of these decisions will include: whitening
or standard (yellowing?) toothpaste; solid or gel deodorant;
shampoo/conditioner combo or just shampoo; and, possibly most
important of all, Coke, Pepsi or Dr.Pepper. I can’t, from
personal experience, condone Dr. Pepper. As a youth, I also
wanted to “be a Pepper” and look how I turned out.
You may as well get her started on a preventative regimen of
Nicorette and Valtrex to hopefully ease that whole teen-age
rebellion thing. Keep away from the Teletubbies, I don’t
know what it is but something really creepy is going on there.
– Good luck, Diver
Dear Diver,
Are American cars really better than foreign cars?
Is there a difference?
– Hank
Hey Hank,
Who told you American cars are really better anyway? American
cars have, for the most part, sucked since about 1970. Only
recently have they achieved an acceptable level of mediocrity.
They are better than French cars which “really”
suck. Germans, while historically challenged in the human relations
arena, construct some “really” fine automobiles,
albeit frighteningly expensive. Go Toyota, boring but they roll
forever. Really.
– Thanks, Diver
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Diver: Squeak from
Guido’s
Facts: Squeak was a former fifth grade
spelling bee champ, but misspelled “happened”
at a schoolwide bee and gave up spelling bees forever.
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Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?
Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions
to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask
the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn
Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at
telegraph@durangotelegraph.com,
or by fax at 259-0448. |
Diver,
I was recently out on a Friday night and was over-served
by my local bartender. I was then too intoxicated to drive so
I left my car in town. When I got to my car the next morning,
my tire had been slashed and the hood had been keyed. I haven’t
wronged anyone in town, and I’m wondering why this happened
and how I can go about finding the guilty.
– Julie, via e-mail
Unfortunately for you, Julie, unless you catch them in the
act, vandals usually get away with it. It was probably someone
who watched too much television as an infant, drank a bunch
of beer and failed miserably at impressing the ladies. So, what
you need to decide is what to do now. You could share your misfortune
with others and do some slashing and keying of your own or maybe
defile your bartender’s car for over-serving you in the
first place (super, super bad idea). I think you should turn
the key marks into some racing stripes, or flowers if you’re
a hippie; not fix your tire and go on your merry way secure
in the fact that you won’t be getting a DUI anytime soon.
Besides, being over-served is way more fun with no car, all
sorts of hilarious hijinks may befall you while walking. Blessing
in a crappy disguise, I say.
– Thanks for playing, Diver
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