Dear Diver,

Does voting really work? It seems to me like it doesn’t. I’m sick of voting for someone and then the other person wins. What do you think?

– Ellen, via e-mail

Dear Ellen,

You have to vote! The Electoral College sucks (no, they don’t have fraternities, either) but if you don’t vote you’ll end up dropping out of school and eating your dinner at Homeslice. Or worse, you’ll wind up working there.A0

– Thanks, Divers


I like to party. I met a girl who looks really good but doesn’t like to party. Should I pursue her?

– Mike


You party animal. The Book of Mormon states, “Thou shalt be balanced ...” (Nephi 69:69). Marry that sweet, good-looking angel. However, find another wife that likes to party, and that way you can have the best of both worlds; one woman to party with and another to be your designated driver. Also, make sure that your prude wife can cook a mean breakfast.

– We like ours over easy, Divers


I’m thinking about going to Fort Lewis College (I live in Denver but lived in Durango until I was 12.) I like Durango, but my father wants me to go to CU Boulder and be in the fraternity he was in. I think fraternities are stupid and cliquey and full of meatheads. What should I do, because I need my dad to pay for college. Your thoughts?

– Henry, via e-mail

Dear No Balls Hank,

Be your own man, damnit! You will spend the next eight years of your life getting your bachelor’s degree, it may as well be in a place where you want to be. Also, I hate to break this to you, but if your father was in a fraternity he has yet to come out of the closet. Therefore you are a miracle child and your mother is awfully lonely. Your father doesn’t happen to own a pizza joint on College Ave, does he? Tell your Ma to give us a call sometime.

– Divers


Diver: Elder BC, Elder JR, Elder Terry and Elder Jeff from the Olde School House

Facts: If you read this column regularly, all we can say is “touché”



Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

My mom wants me to become a nun, but I don’t want to. She is over-the-top religious and lately I’ve been questioning the beliefs she has taught me. Should I follow my heart? I know the answer is yes, but how can I make my mom understand?

– Susan

Oozin Susan,

Don’t live your life for your hypocritical mother. If she were so resolute in her religious beliefs, she would have been a nun herself, and you would have never been born. Obviously, she is not a nun. Don’t follow in her sordid footsteps, follow the steps of righteousness on a path of everlasting ... well ... everlasting. Become L.D.S. Contact Cory Kitch.

– Divers





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