I’m having a problem with warts, and not the kind you get on your hands from touching a toad. I’m not sure what they look like. I know you are not a doctor, but how do you identify them?

– Curious, Mandy


In times like these, we find it soothing to consult photographs sent by you of said infection. However, unless you’ve been bare-backing a bullfrog, it’s doubtful you’ll enjoy our prognosis.

– Our best,


Dear Diver,

Was Anthony Michael Hall (the scrawny geek who lusted after Molly Ringwald in “Sixteen Candles”) an official member of the Brat Pack? I say yes because he starred in “The Breakfast Club” and “Sixteen Candles,” which garners him instant entrance into the elite ’80s club of big hair, substance-abuse problems and type casting. However, some of my friends argue that since Hall was younger than the rest of the Brat Pack, he was not a true member. What do you think (aside from the fact that there are bigger problems plaguing the world)?

– Jenny on the mesa


Being the Mormon fundamentalists we were “chosen” to be, it has been decided that it was his role as “Gary” the super chic geek in Weird Science that secures Hall a spot in Brat-Packdom. How is this you ask? Because brat co-star Robert “I haven’t slept in weeks” Downey Jr. makes a solid three films with the pack. However, this cinematic trifecta is 85 forget it. You know Jenny, there are indeed bigger problems plaguing the world, so remember, movies are fiction, eternal salvation is real.

– Thanks,



Divers: Shane and Phoenix from Ken & Sue’s

Facts: Shane and Phoenix are the lewdest diving team in the column’s history. Proceed at your own risk.



Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

Are fans of the “Lord of the Rings” film series the Trekkies of the new millenium? I know history repeats itself, but having to withstand two such trends in a lifetime is more than one person should have to endure.

– Marissa, Durango


Do you remember that scene from “The Shining” when the little boy wrote “redrum” on the wall and then kept repeating it? Well, last night when the Phoenix and I were painting turtles, we did that with your name. Wow, did we have a hoot with that. It even eased the pain that the Patriot Act has brought to our door. I suggest you try it yourself. Write your name on the wall, read it in the mirror and run around chanting it as your own personal mantra. Loudly: Marissa. Marissa. Marissa. Forget not, it is what you do with the time you are given that matters most.

– Thanks, Divers

P.S. Have you totally forgotten the prime directive?





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