Is it customary for restaurants to add gratuity on take-out orders? I think that’s kind of rude.

– Mac Stevenson,

via e-mail from Bayfield


How fitting. You’re asking someone in the food service industry how they feel about gratuity. What are you, retarded?? Of course I’m for it. Hell, if I had my druthers, gratuity would not only be mandatory, but it would lie in the 25-27 percent range. Why?? Because we are paid a pittance to serve dimwits ... hold on a second ... I’m sorry, you asked about take out? Toss whomever rings your tab a buck or two, just because you’re a good person. Admittedly a bit unnecessary, though quite a gesture.

– Tipping when I cannot afford to,


Dear Diver,

Someone who lives near my home still has his Christmas decorations up. I have no problem with this during the holiday season, but there is a time and place for everything. Shouldn’t there be some sort of ordinance that requires people to remove such things by a certain date?

– Sincerely,

VT Olson, Jr.


Some sort of ordinance? You fascist. I hate you. Seriously. Let people express themselves and their American-bred apathy anyway they damn well choose.

– I love Satan Claus,



Diver: Jon Lynch of the Sow’s Ear

Facts: “For the last time!!! I AM NOT A DIVER...I sling booze two days a week and wait tables for the other three. I polish silverware and countless racks of pint glasses, but by no means am I a...wait... why are you writing this down?”



Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.


What’s the best way to be accepted within an “in” crowd?

– Lars

Oh Lars...Lars, Lars, Lars, Lars, Lars.

You sadden me so. Sigh. The “in” crowd? Sweet, bloody hell. The very last thing you should care about is something so trivial. But if you must, I have found that beating the aforementioned crowd with little to no mercy guarantees your place within their good graces.

– I maintain against the grain,


Dear Diver,

I keep going to concerts in town and getting “shushed.” You know, people tell me to shut up. I don’t think I’m very loud or talk too much, but this keeps happening. Are people out to get me or just rude?

– Howie,

via e-mail


Hmmmm ...this is a toughie. On the one hand, I can empathize with whomever shushed your ass. You are there for the performance, yes? And for you to detract from others’ enjoyment of the show is pretty roguish and would certainly piss this Diver right off. I don’t want to hear your jabber-jawing ass, I want to hear the music. And who are you talking to, anyway? You know what, on second thought, the other hand is of no consequence to me. Shut yer yapper.

– Tripping hippies as they twirl by, then fake-helping them back to their feet,





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