Dear Diver,

For some reason I thought the world was ending on New Year’s Eve, what with the earthquake in Iran and mad cow disease. So, I spent my entire savings trying to go out right. Well, we are still here...why?

– Marty

Dear Marty,

This reminds me of a conversation I had at the Olde Schoolhouse Cafe. The owners there have been trying to get me to worship with them for years. I don’t go for the whole Mormon thing personally, but those guys have crazy knowledge for the scriptures. If you don’t mind being called names such as “godless heathen” or “sinner,” you really should go up there. They have countless Bible quotes on the walls. As a matter of fact they have a whole section devoted to Revelations; you see, they also believe that the world will soon come to an end. Definitely worth the trip. Be sure to drink a “Judgment Day” malt beverage, or the shot they call “Help me, Jesus.” They are both quite tasty.

– Hope this helps, Diver


Now that the Broncos are out of the playoffs, what should I do? Football is my life!

– Barney


You, too, should go to the Olde Schoolhouse Cafe. Those guys like the worst sports teams. They always lose. I never have figured out if it’s stupidity, a genuine love of the underdog or perhaps they just pray too much. They never seem to let it get them down too much, though. They just hold hands and sing songs. Really a gay little bunch of guys. If you don’t feel like singing or praying, they have a bunch of cool stuff you can steal including some losing sports team memorabilia. They don’t get too mad when you steal things either. They just stop, hold hands and pray for your soul.

– Good luck next year loser, Diver


Diver: Cory from Homeslice

Facts: Cory knows that the best advice is 50 percent knee-deep BS, 50 percent song quotes.


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

A guy I’ve gone out with a few times has a habit of humming. He does it while he’s driving, working, hiking, whatever. It’s just a few notes over and over,A0never a recognizable song. I’ve mentioned it to him, and he claims he’s not aware he’s doing it. Is his humming a sign that he’s trying to shut me out?

– Joanne

Dear Joanne,

Da doo doo doo, da da da da, that’s all I have to say to you.

– Diver


I’ve got a new girlfriend, and I’m a little concerned. We have yet to have intercourse, and I think that when we finally do, I’ll be a little embarrassed because I’m not that experienced. Your recommendations on what I should do, because I like this girl a lot!

– Matt

Dear Matt,

I had a very difficult time with this question, so I asked my pals at the Olde Schoolhouse Cafe, and they said that you really shouldn’t worry about intercourse until you get married. They said that premarital sex is the work of the devil. They did, however, sympathize since they are very inexperienced at such things. They did assure me that they would pray for your soul. So you’ve got that going for you.

– Good luck, Diver



News Index Second Index Opinion Index Classifieds Index Contact Index