| Dear
Diver,
For some reason I thought the world was ending on New
Year’s Eve, what with the earthquake in Iran and mad cow
disease. So, I spent my entire savings trying to go out right.
Well, we are still here...why?
– Marty
Dear Marty,
This reminds me of a conversation I had at the Olde Schoolhouse
Cafe. The owners there have been trying to get me to worship
with them for years. I don’t go for the whole Mormon thing
personally, but those guys have crazy knowledge for the scriptures.
If you don’t mind being called names such as “godless
heathen” or “sinner,” you really should go
up there. They have countless Bible quotes on the walls. As
a matter of fact they have a whole section devoted to Revelations;
you see, they also believe that the world will soon come to
an end. Definitely worth the trip. Be sure to drink a “Judgment
Day” malt beverage, or the shot they call “Help
me, Jesus.” They are both quite tasty.
– Hope this helps, Diver
Diver, Now
that the Broncos are out of the playoffs, what should I do?
Football is my life!
– Barney
Barney,
You, too, should go to the Olde Schoolhouse Cafe. Those guys
like the worst sports teams. They always lose. I never have
figured out if it’s stupidity, a genuine love of the underdog
or perhaps they just pray too much. They never seem to let it
get them down too much, though. They just hold hands and sing
songs. Really a gay little bunch of guys. If you don’t
feel like singing or praying, they have a bunch of cool stuff
you can steal including some losing sports team memorabilia.
They don’t get too mad when you steal things either. They
just stop, hold hands and pray for your soul.
– Good luck next year loser, Diver
|
| Diver:
Cory from Homeslice
Facts: Cory knows that the best
advice is 50 percent knee-deep BS, 50 percent song quotes.
|
|
Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?
Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions
to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask
the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn
Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at
telegraph@durangotelegraph.com,
or by fax at 259-0448. |
Dear Diver,
A guy I’ve gone out with a few times has a
habit of humming. He does it while he’s driving, working,
hiking, whatever. It’s just a few notes over and over,A0never
a recognizable song. I’ve mentioned it to him, and he
claims he’s not aware he’s doing it. Is his humming
a sign that he’s trying to shut me out?
– Joanne
Dear Joanne,
Da doo doo doo, da da da da, that’s all I have to say
to you.
– Diver
Diver,
I’ve got a new girlfriend, and I’m a
little concerned. We have yet to have intercourse, and I think
that when we finally do, I’ll be a little embarrassed
because I’m not that experienced. Your recommendations
on what I should do, because I like this girl a lot!
– Matt
Dear Matt,
I had a very difficult time with this question, so I asked
my pals at the Olde Schoolhouse Cafe, and they said that you
really shouldn’t worry about intercourse until you get
married. They said that premarital sex is the work of the devil.
They did, however, sympathize since they are very inexperienced
at such things. They did assure me that they would pray for
your soul. So you’ve got that going for you.
– Good luck, Diver
|
