| Dear
Diver,
I work at a health club. Since the new year, we’ve
had a huge increase in membership. These new members are obviously
making resolutions to get in shape. However, and this happens
every year, I know many will bail on their resolutions within
the first month. Would it be rude for me to tell them to save
their money and be honest with themselves?
– Yours in good health,
Bill
Dear Bill,
It’s all about negative reinforcement. All you need is
a computer and a digital camera. Manipulate their picture on
your computer and add the average one pound per year gained
by us lazy and complacent Americans. If he likes his triple
chin, spare tire and love handles then tell him, “Don’t
let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!”
– Thanks,
Diver
Diver, I
got a DUI on New Year’s Eve. I am afraid to tell my wife,
because she will probably kill me. Is it possible to go through
the whole court procession etc. without her knowing? Any tips
on how I can keep it a secret?
– Wondering, Mr. Drinky
Poo
Dear Mr. Drinky Poo,
I regret to inform you that you’ve got problems with
your issues, and issues with your problems. I mean, where was
your wife on New Year’s Eve? Who did you kiss at midnight?
Better yet, who was she kissing? You better prioritize which
confession to begin with – A) an evening spent at the
La Plata Ramada, or, B) who you were with when the ball dropped.
– Good luck,
Diver
|
| Diver:
Dave Thibodeau from Storyville
Facts: We can’t say enough
about the hybridization of owner/dish diver. They are
few and far between and only a few in the world exist.
|
|
Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?
Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions
to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask
the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn
Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at
telegraph@durangotelegraph.com,
or by fax at 259-0448. |
Dearest Diver,
I’m doing my best to get the attention of
a young lady I work with. I like her and want to ask her out.
However, I’m tired of getting shot down. Any thoughts
on how I can woo her?
– BJ,
via e-mail
BJ,
Your solution is simple. QUIT your job. Never, never, never
fish off the company pier! But if that’s not an option
try “wooing” her with the one thing every woman
wants. What’s the one thing you ask? EVERYTHING... NOW!!
– Diver
PS: BJ, my girlfriend and I work and live together, so
what the hell do I know. I’m just a dishwasher
Diver,
Do you know anything about cats? How do you keep
them from peeing in the plants?
– Mary
Dear Mary,
Have you ever seen that trick they use in Mexico to combat
flies? They hang up clear bags of water throughout their patios
and when a fly approaches the bag they see this huge reflected
image, freak out and go away. Along those same lines, I’d
put some small mirrors in the soil of your plants, then maybe
the cat will think it’s about to get pissed on. Even cats
know its better to be pissed off than pissed on!
– Thanks,
Diver
|
