Dear Diver,

I work at a health club. Since the new year, we’ve had a huge increase in membership. These new members are obviously making resolutions to get in shape. However, and this happens every year, I know many will bail on their resolutions within the first month. Would it be rude for me to tell them to save their money and be honest with themselves?

– Yours in good health,


Dear Bill,

It’s all about negative reinforcement. All you need is a computer and a digital camera. Manipulate their picture on your computer and add the average one pound per year gained by us lazy and complacent Americans. If he likes his triple chin, spare tire and love handles then tell him, “Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!”

– Thanks,



I got a DUI on New Year’s Eve. I am afraid to tell my wife, because she will probably kill me. Is it possible to go through the whole court procession etc. without her knowing? Any tips on how I can keep it a secret?

– Wondering, Mr. Drinky Poo

Dear Mr. Drinky Poo,

I regret to inform you that you’ve got problems with your issues, and issues with your problems. I mean, where was your wife on New Year’s Eve? Who did you kiss at midnight? Better yet, who was she kissing? You better prioritize which confession to begin with – A) an evening spent at the La Plata Ramada, or, B) who you were with when the ball dropped.

– Good luck,



Diver: Dave Thibodeau from Storyville

Facts: We can’t say enough about the hybridization of owner/dish diver. They are few and far between and only a few in the world exist.


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dearest Diver,

I’m doing my best to get the attention of a young lady I work with. I like her and want to ask her out. However, I’m tired of getting shot down. Any thoughts on how I can woo her?

– BJ,

via e-mail


Your solution is simple. QUIT your job. Never, never, never fish off the company pier! But if that’s not an option try “wooing” her with the one thing every woman wants. What’s the one thing you ask? EVERYTHING... NOW!!

– Diver

PS: BJ, my girlfriend and I work and live together, so what the hell do I know. I’m just a dishwasher


Do you know anything about cats? How do you keep them from peeing in the plants?

– Mary

Dear Mary,

Have you ever seen that trick they use in Mexico to combat flies? They hang up clear bags of water throughout their patios and when a fly approaches the bag they see this huge reflected image, freak out and go away. Along those same lines, I’d put some small mirrors in the soil of your plants, then maybe the cat will think it’s about to get pissed on. Even cats know its better to be pissed off than pissed on!

– Thanks,




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