Dear Diver,

Am I the only one who thinks Chelsea Clinton is hot? Aye-Yi-Yi! How should I go about getting a date with her?

- Thanks, Matt


Yes, you and you alone. Now while one man's trash is another man's treasure, this is over the top. I was told that when young Chelsea climbed the ugly tree she fell and hit every branch on the way down. As for those Bush Twins, hey now!

- You're Welcome,

Dear Diver,
There is a noticeable scar on my neck from surgery I had recently. It's nothing I particularly care to talk about, but people come into the place where I work and say things like, "What happened? Dracula bite you?" or, "Who gave you the hickey?" Got any snappy comebacks I can use, other than "none of your damn business."
- Adam

Yo Adam,

Anytime you are given the green light to threaten someone with violence, do it. Maybe if the punk had his own scar he would resist his ignorant urges. Of course you could tell them that you donated your esophagus to save a dying child's life. That would shut 'em up.

- Good luck,

Brian "Beezer" Lynagh from Trimble Hot Springs

Beez is a diver who cleans pools humans cook themselves in.


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at, or by fax at 259-0448.

I just had a baby. What kind of diapers do you recommend?
- Curious,
in East Durango

Dear Curious,

I think the "Oops, I crapped my pants" line of diapers is what you're lookin' for. But in these ecofriendly times, I believe we really need to consider the old cloth style crap-grabber. Sure they are messy but cost alone should make anyone lean that way.

- Keep it clean, Diver

Dear Diver,
I need to get some friends a house-warming gift. What do you recommend? I flat out suck at gift buying, it seems like when I buy something the recipient already has it, or looks at it like I'm wasting their time. What can I do?
- Lauren,
via email

Hi toots,

You're in luck. Klackers is a game that comes from right here in good, old Durango and is perfect for the person that has everything. In these times of corporate greed and big brother meets big business, isn't it time we all started thinking and acting locally. Besides, from now on when you visit them, there is that easy ice breaker to get the party rolling! Of course, if they have a swimming pool then a bucket of bromine goes a long way.

- Keep Klackin, Diver



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