Dear Curious Joan,

Are advice columns legitimate? How do you think I live my life? Do you think I simply ramble through life with only my cunning and razor-sharp intuition to guide me? Hell no. In the age of Paxil, Zoloft, Viagra and reality television there is simply no feasible way for me to go it alone. In fact, I need to consult professional help before I decide to proceed in my mid-morning bowel movement. As far as your brother is concerned, drinking and driving sucks and is a plaguing problem that officials, particularly in this town, need to re-evaluate. Obviously there is no excuse for getting behind the wheel when you've had one too many "sex on the beaches," but when you live in a town that has little to no transportation alternatives, beer-guzzling boozehounds like your brother feel inclined to drive. Forget about not meddling in your bro's life, next time he tries to drive wasted drop kick him in the junk till he forgets about driving and passes out from shock.

Dear Mitch,

Alcohol is still legal because people like myself and my roommates single-handedly finance the booming alcohol industry that inadvertently contributes to countless government-funded after school programs such as underwater basket-weaving and duck pin bowling for the blind. As far as the war on drugs is concerned, I withdraw myself as an educated voice seeing as how I contribute to terrorism by smoking a joint every once in a while. It is a goofy war, but hey who cares? The new "Joe Millionaire" comes on soon!