Dear Diver,

Are advice columns a legitimate way to seek help in various situations? I ask because I need some serious help in dealing with my brother, who is constantly drinking and driving. I know one day he is going to get caught, if he's lucky, before he seriously hurts himself or someone else. Or many. How can I get him to stop without seeming like I'm meddling or interfering?

- Curious,

Dear Curious Joan,

Are advice columns legitimate? How do you think I live my life? Do you think I simply ramble through life with only my cunning and razor-sharp intuition to guide me? Hell no. In the age of Paxil, Zoloft, Viagra and reality television there is simply no feasible way for me to go it alone. In fact, I need to consult professional help before I decide to proceed in my mid-morning bowel movement. As far as your brother is concerned, drinking and driving sucks and is a plaguing problem that officials, particularly in this town, need to re-evaluate. Obviously there is no excuse for getting behind the wheel when you've had one too many "sex on the beaches," but when you live in a town that has little to no transportation alternatives, beer-guzzling boozehounds like your brother feel inclined to drive. Forget about not meddling in your bro's life, next time he tries to drive wasted drop kick him in the junk till he forgets about driving and passes out from shock.

- God Speed,

Dear Diver,
Why is alcohol still legal, yet this goofy war on drugs has yet to stop drug use, and people still die from drinking- and alcohol-related traffic accidents daily? What is up with that?
- Mitch

Dear Mitch,

Alcohol is still legal because people like myself and my roommates single-handedly finance the booming alcohol industry that inadvertently contributes to countless government-funded after school programs such as underwater basket-weaving and duck pin bowling for the blind. As far as the war on drugs is concerned, I withdraw myself as an educated voice seeing as how I contribute to terrorism by smoking a joint every once in a while. It is a goofy war, but hey who cares? The new "Joe Millionaire" comes on soon!

- Peace in the Middle East comrade, Diver

Nick Herbert, from Cuckoo's

Nick is a diver who can neither write nor speak. However, this diver proves the soberest of the bunch, making him the most capable to offer advice to you, the problem-plagued reader.


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at, or by fax at 259-0448.

I know doctors are all very smart people. However, I know some of the doctors out there had to graduate from the bottom of the class. Is it OK to go to a doctor who got average grades at medical school?
- Curious,
in Durango

Dear Curious, Where did you learn that all doctors are smart people? My brother is a doctor and he is dumber than a 10-pound bag of rocks, and he didn't even graduate from med school. Well I guess I'm not being totally fair. The Fort Lewis School of Medicine is rather demanding. Yet to this day, my brother continues to practice corrective surgery on any and all willing patients. If you're interested, he does free consultations as well as oil changes.

- Get cut,


Who is your favorite Spice Girl? What is your favorite band?

- Elizabeth from Durango

Dear Beth,

Ginger and REO Speedwagon. Damn right, I'm cool. Hey, you sound pretty hot. Call the folks at the Telegraph and get my number, I'm taking you out for fish and chips and barley wine.

- See you soon,



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