Diver,

I’m in ninth grade, and there is this girl at school that I like. She does not like me. She would much rather hang out with her boyfriend, who plays football. She and I have known each other since grade school, but she would rather go out with jocks who treat her badly. I know for a fact that her boyfriend cheats on her (so does she), but she continues to see him. What can I do to make her realize I like her and wouldn’t treat her as bad as this guy does? Also, why do girls go out with guys who treat them like dirt?

– Laurence

Dear Laurence,

Hey there big guy, every girl swoons over a freshman in a marching band uniform. Marching takes every bit the athletic prowess of football. Who wants to be called a jock when you can be called a musician? Rock stars like Kenny G started in a marching band. Band members are on the road a lot and have just as good a chance cheating as big dumb jocks. To your dismay, she will love you for this. Confess that you like her while you are in uniform. Girls like to talk about their boyfriends. Being treated like dirt gives them even more to talk about. My mom says girls like nice guys, but nice guys finish last. Good luck learning to play the tuba.

– Your friend, Diver Sam

Dearest Diver,

What’s the best time of year to plant tomatoes? I’m trying to get into gardening, but I need some help. I figure, you know how to clean dishes and give advice, what about gardening?

– Earl, Baltimore, via e-mail

Dearest Earl,

I understand your primal urge to get back to nature, but dude, gardening? Yeah, right. Plant little seeds in a planter full of dirt, water them and put them in a warm, sunny place. Do this soon after the winter solstice. Take it from the diver. Buy some grow lights and plant a little “herb” garden between your fledgling tomato plants. You’ll have big ol’ honkers by April and can cut loose to do what you really wanna do during the summer, like getting out of Baltimore.

– In your best interest, Diver Sam

Diver,

Should Fort Lewis College have a football team? They don’t ever seem to win. Shouldn’t the school, which is having financial difficulties, find a better way to spend money?

– Curious, via e-mail

Dear Curious,

Umm...before I answer, how big are Fort Lewis College football players? Perhaps it’s just the crowd I hang out with, but when people think of Durango, college football isn’t the first thing that springs to mind. The pink house maybe. Or “courtesy” parking tickets. But FLC football? Perhaps FLC could shift money to athletic programs that keep Durango on the college sports map, like mountain biking. Just a thought. Until then, tear it up gods of the gridiron! Rah, rah!

-Good luck, Diver Bryan