Dear Diver,
The holidays are quickly approaching, and I'm in a jam. My wife wants to go visit her parents. My kids want to go visit my parents because they spoil them more than the other set of grandparents. I want to stay here. Should I just send everyone off to where they want to go and spend the holidays alone, in peace? Or is that rude? What do you think?
- Lance

Dear Lance,

Hmmm, turkey, beer, football. I know I can't wait. But unfortunately for you, Lance, what the wife wants, the wife gets. And if she doesn't get what she wants, you don't get what you want (wink wink.) So have a great time with her parents.

- Good luck, Diver

Dear Diver,

Does modern country music reflect rural living like country music from the early 20th century did? Or is it just contrived crap from a booming music industry?
- Jack


Well I haven't heard any modern country tunes that talk about doublewides, wife-beater tank tops, Miller High Life and Ford trucks. But nonetheless, early country music was good; new country is just twangy pop or contrived crap from a booming music industry where mullets have stood the test of time and reason.

- Sincerely, The Diver

Chris the Irishman, from Storyville

Ireland has produced many a great thing, including Guinness, Shane McGowan, James Joyce and Chris, the Diver.


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at, or by fax at 259-0448.

What's the point of staying in high school when I can just get my GED? High school seems like nothing more than a cliquey group of teen-agers killing time and judging people based on how they look, dress and who they hang out with. Am I right? Are American teen-agers as spoiled, shallow and lazy as they are perceived by me and on television?
- Curious, Ryan

Dear Ryan,

To me, high school was a great learning experience. I learned so many things. First of all, where else can a 17-year-old have many anonymous sexual experiences, get liquored and do lots of mind-altering concoctions? Besides, the GED is there for back-up purposes, for when you either get kicked out or flunk out. Regardless of what you think Ryan, at least go to high school for the aforementioned experiences.

- Your friend, The Diver

Do girls go for muscle cars anymore? I have the chance to buy this bitchin' 83 'Vette but I want to know if it will help me score. Your thoughts?
- Mr. X

Mr. X,

I have this distinct feeling that you have a lot of hair on your back, along with various gold chains, polyester leisure suits and possibly a toupee. In any case a "bitchin' 83 'Vette" ain't gonna help. I think your only chance of scoring Mrs. X is to slip a micky to an unknowing young lady.

- Good luck, Diver



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