Dear Diver,

A friend of mine seems to have very short arms. We’ll be out for a beer or burger and when the check comes, he’s never able to reach it. Any ideas how to get this guy to buy a round once in a while?

– From Ed K.

Dear Ed K,

To deal with a situation like this you must embrace his disability. Either quit being a cheap bitter man or just get nubs a reaching stick.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

Why do all the religions in the world claim that their religion is the correct one? My 10th-grade religion teacher in Catholic school even had the nerve to tell me my father was going to hell because he wasn’t Catholic. Who do I believe? Should I embrace Satanism? It seems that is the only belief that doesn’t compete with other religions.

– Thanks, Biff


As for the Catholics, the only way you can get into heaven is to drink heavily and attend your weekly bingo hall. And the destination for Satanism is obvious. If you want to know which religion is right, just go on a seven day H Bomb binge and ask God yourself.

– Your pal,

The Diver


Dear Diver,

Do you know who invented rollercoasters? How bout baloney?

– Lawrence,

age 10

Dear Lawrence,

You’re asking the wrong questions. Maybe you should ask why good ole “Uncle Steve” only comes over to stay when dad’s on business trips. As for bologna, it comes from unspeakable places that would give Joe Pesci nightmares.

– Diver


Diver: Tim Bates, of Lady F’s

Facts: The 6’3” starting shooting guard for the Lady Falconburgh’s rec league basketball team now has an entourage after the prestigious shift from avid reader to author of “Ask the Diver”


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

Is e-mail a safe way to communicate? Is sitting in front of a computer like sitting in front of a microwave? Can it give me cancer?

– Curious,

Bill, Durango Hills

Dear Bill,

You are right to be concerned. E-mail is not safe, in fact, you are being monitored right now. As for the microwave – cancer, no; reading your thoughts, yes. In fact, someone is looking in your window right now, maybe it’s the gardener, or maybe it’s Charlie ready to attack at the first sign of vulnerability. Maybe you should go outside and get some sun. Leave the camo inside.

– Be afraid, Diver



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