Dear Diver,
A friend of mine seems to have very short arms.
We’ll be out for a beer or burger and when the check comes,
he’s never able to reach it. Any ideas how to get this
guy to buy a round once in a while?
– From Ed K.
Dear Ed K,
To deal with a situation like this you must embrace his disability.
Either quit being a cheap bitter man or just get nubs a reaching
stick.
– Diver
Dear Diver,
Why do all the religions in the world claim that
their religion is the correct one? My 10th-grade religion teacher
in Catholic school even had the nerve to tell me my father was
going to hell because he wasn’t Catholic. Who do I believe?
Should I embrace Satanism? It seems that is the only belief
that doesn’t compete with other religions.
– Thanks, Biff
Biff,
As for the Catholics, the only way you can get into heaven
is to drink heavily and attend your weekly bingo hall. And the
destination for Satanism is obvious. If you want to know which
religion is right, just go on a seven day H Bomb binge and ask
God yourself.
– Your pal,
The Diver
Dear Diver,
Do you know who invented rollercoasters? How bout
baloney?
– Lawrence,
age 10
Dear Lawrence,
You’re asking the wrong questions. Maybe you should ask
why good ole “Uncle Steve” only comes over to stay
when dad’s on business trips. As for bologna, it comes
from unspeakable places that would give Joe Pesci nightmares.
– Diver
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| Diver:
Tim Bates, of Lady F’s
Facts: The 6’3”
starting shooting guard for the Lady Falconburgh’s
rec league basketball team now has an entourage after
the prestigious shift from avid reader to author of
“Ask the Diver”
|
|
Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?
Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions
to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask
the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn
Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at
telegraph@durangotelegraph.com,
or by fax at 259-0448. |
Dear Diver,
Is e-mail a safe way to communicate?
Is sitting in front of a computer like sitting in front of
a microwave? Can it give me cancer?
– Curious,
Bill, Durango Hills
Dear Bill,
You are right to be concerned. E-mail is not
safe, in fact, you are being monitored right now. As for the
microwave – cancer, no; reading your thoughts, yes.
In fact, someone is looking in your window right now, maybe
it’s the gardener, or maybe it’s Charlie ready
to attack at the first sign of vulnerability. Maybe you should
go outside and get some sun. Leave the camo inside.
– Be afraid, Diver
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