Diver,

This guy I used to work with, “Pat,” used to hit on me while we worked, and he knew I had a boyfriend. He did this to a lot of girls. He also stabbed a bunch of his friends in the back. Well, he left town, but I’m still feeling vindictive. Should I let it go, hoping karma will take care of him, or perhaps start a smear campaign from 1,000 miles away? Basically he thinks he can buy and sell people.

–Wondering, Vengeful Vanessa

Dear Vengeful,

Vengeance is a dish best served cold...err, something like that. Anyway, with the world of technology at our fingertips, we no longer have to rely on silly concepts like Karma. 1,000 miles is just a stone’s throw with the way things are now. Let the punk have it! And when you’re done, tattoo “VENGEFUL VANESSA” on your bicep, it really is catchy.

– Good luck, Divers

Diver,

Why do grocery stores have express lanes yet when I use them I get behind someone with 50 items, and the cashier doesn’t enforce the rule?

– Biff, via e-mail

Biff,

You have touched upon something enormously essential to our very being. Un-named sources tell us that an agency has been formed to implement the governmental program “Folks Against Rude Thoughtless Shoppers,” to enforce such concepts as single-file lines and compliance to “express” lanes. The FARTS program will be implemented as part of the Homeland Security Bill. This program is high on the president’s agenda and essential to maintaining peace in these trying times. So Biff, as you can see, FARTS come very near to Bush.

– Thanks for writing, Divers

Diver,

I was walking through the Farmers Market, and I saw this girl walking her big dog off a leash. This canine sniffed around and got into a fight with another dog. A woman tried to break it up, and in turn, got bit. When this woman confronted the owner of the aggressive dog, the owner made it seem like it was no big deal and the other woman’s fault. My question is, why do morons own pets, or have children for that matter? Why are people so oblivious to life around them?

– Curious, BL via e-mail

Curious,

It’s almost impossible to be a cool gal, with your fuzzy little kitty cat on a little leash. Chicky babe was clearly trying to be some kind of badass with her big stupid dog running around off a leash. And hence, to the root of the problem: If people would just focus on believing in themselves and build a little self confidence, they could spend less time trying to be cool and your Farmers Market would be the organics-buying paradise you wish it were.

– Thanks, Divers