Dear Diver,
I don’t understand why they are changing the
name of Route 666. Are the lawmakers that religious? Do they
really believe in that sort of thing? How silly, and to think
this made headline news. Does this have anything to do with
Iron Maiden?
– Curious,
Davey in Hermosa
Dear Davey,
You need to understand that the Biblical end times are upon
us and that, in fact, Colorado Gov. Bill Owens is the anti-Christ,
(he’ll surely run for president in 2008, so watch out!)
The real reason N.M. Gov. Bill Richardson called for the highway’s
name change was to resist the growing satanic power that emanates
from the great Babylon of Denver. It was a symbolic change,
but one that hopefully has sent a message to the evil, evil
Bill Owens.
– Yours in Christianity,
Diver
Diver,
Could Stone Cold Steve Austin beat Ric Flair in
a wrestling match?
– Jim,
via e-mail
Dear Jim,
Well, li’l fella, I stopped following wrestling in the
early ’90s, and I never watched the WCW so I know very
little about “Stone Cold” and the “Nature
Boy.” However, let me tell you about one of my personal
heroes: the late, great “Ravishing” Rick Rude. Back
when men were men, and wimps were wimps, people like “Ravishing”
Rick Rude roamed the upper Midwest, tempting the ladies and
bringing glory to the ring. Jim, aspire to be a true wrestler
like Rick Rude; not a mere “entertainer” like those
knuckleheads you asked me about.
– Good luck,
Diver
Dear Diver,
I’ve lived in this town for eight years. It
seems everyone I know in this town has gotten a DUI or come
pretty close. Why doesn’t this town support night-time
public transportation for people who are too inebriated to drive?
Are DUI’s a huge moneymaker for this town? I don’t
understand, but maybe you can make me understand.
– Thanks in advance,
Brian
Dear Brian,
No kidding, bro! I’ve been pulled over right after injecting
myself with some tranquilizers I stole from a large-animal veterinary
clinic. Man, you should have seen me! I could hardly walk, much
less drive. Yeah, those cops just want to take our money and
keep me from having fun. Oh well, good luck.
– Diver
|
| Diver:
Dan Groth, of the Buzz House
Facts: Dan was banned in 1989
from high school sporting events when he gave the Limon
High School wrestling coach the dreaded “Heart
Punch” perfected by Greg “The Hammer”
Valentine.
|
|
Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?
Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions
to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask
the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn
Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at
telegraph@durangotelegraph.com,
or by fax at 259-0448. |
Diver,
I noticed this town is often full
of “shushers” at concerts – people who like
to put their fingers to their lips and go “Shhhh”
at the numerous drunken people at concerts who just insist
on blathering on about their sister’s baby or their
new wallpaper or whatever. What is ruder, people who must
talk about garbage at a concert, or the people who shush them?
Personally I think people that talk excessively at a concert
or speech or something should get punched in the kidney.
– Wondering,
Lauren
Dear Lauren,
The worst person on Earth is you! I was completely
drunk at a show last week and told a friend next to me about
some gorilla antics I had seen on “Animal Planet.”
Suddenly I heard an ear-splitting “Shush!!” and
felt a sharp pain in my precious kidneys. I have to assume
this was you, Lauren. For shame! Your type disgusts me; don’t
ever write this column again.
– Diver
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