Dear Diver,

Have you ever seen one of those “ships in a bottle” model things? How in the hell do they get that ship through the neck of the bottle?

– Confused in Cortez

Dear Confused in Cortez,

Ahhh, the old hobo trick. There were many times we, ourselves included, have slipped directly into the bottle. You see it’s merely just a matter of lubrication and flexibility. While those boats may look rigid, there was a point in time where they were rubberized via copious amounts of wood alcohol and model glue.

– Thanks, Divers
Dear Diver,

In 1983, I was given a charming little game called a Rubik’s Cube. I finally solved it by breaking it apart and putting it back together with all the matching colors on each proper side. Is that cheating?

– Your pal, Howard


Great job! There are many ways to solve a puzzle; you have just taken a different path.

– Congratulations, The Divers

Dear Diver,

Would girls find me more attractive if I wore a Detroit Tigers hat, grew a moustache and wore those short-short OP corduroy shorts ala Magnum PI? Currently the mullet and “Born to Party” T-shirt isn’t working for me.

– Signed, Wannabe Tom Selleck


If you really want to score the chicks, get yourself a multi-colored, striped helicopter. I mean let’s face it; the ladies were only into Magnum to get to T.C. The Ferrari was stolen from Higgins after all, and while we’re on the subject, who really believes that Higgins wasn’t Robin Masters, mild-mannered houseman my butt!! Yet we digress, you say “currently” the mullet and shirt are failing you. We would hazard a guess and say that was never working!

– Divers


Divers: Bill Graham and Jeff Ogden from Ska

Interesting Facts: Due to the high number of Durango Divers flooding to the Telluride area this weekend, the Telegraph was forced to poll 160 people and ask what “Ask the Diver” column they would most like to see again. 99 percent of the people at last week’s Ska-B-Q voted on this column. Imagine that.


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Divers,
Is alcohol the root of all evil?

– Yours in sobriety,

Eddie Conine, Gem Village


Sober in Gem Village? Yeah shaa ... anyway Eddie, alcohol has a multifaceted history of providing social intercourse for thousands of cultures. Beer and mead were first made by the Egyptians and popularized by the Sumerians. Even through the Dark Ages, beer, wine and grog were a simple way to enjoy the horrors of the plague. As the boats sailed west, alcohol was there, pointing out a slightly crooked path into the unknown. And finally, with the advent of the Industrial Revolution, one thankfully had to no longer create his/her own hooch and spend those shaky weeks waiting for it to mature to palatability; one could simply slip on down to the local liquor store or pub. So in conclusion, alcohol may not be the root of all evil, but it is darn close to the trunk.

– Thanks, Divers




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