Dear Diver,
I have this friend that has an annoying habit. She
will come over to visit, and for some reason, as she walks around
the house, she’ll pick up various things such as a candle
or other knick-knack, walk around for a minute with it, then
put it down in a completely different place. This annoys me.
I’ve told her time and time again not to do this, but
it does not stop. Should I just stop inviting her over? Basically
after she leaves I spend 15 minutes putting stuff back in its
proper place. What can I do?
– Robin, via e-mail
Royal,
With the very fabric of our civilization collapsing around
us, fewer people are remembering their manners. I suggest what
psychologists call simple negative conditioning for this “friend”
of yours. Next time you’re expecting her over, hook a
few of her favorite knick-knacks up to some well-hidden car
batteries in such a way that her hand will complete the circuit
when she grabs them. The idea is that she will receive a painful
shock whilst undertaking her offending behavior and thusly be
jolted back in line.
– Good luck, Diver
Dear Diver,
What’s better, cloth or disposable diapers?
– Lionel, via e-mail
Hi Lionel,
Cloth and disposable diapers both have a terrifying drawback.
Imagine this: You have your baby at an important social function
and the diaper gets too full and falls off. Imagine the sheer
embarrassment! That’s why you should use duct tape instead.
– Be at peace, Crispy
Dear Diver,
How come the music today that is referred to as
“punk” includes songs with the same types of subjects
that those silly boy-bands sing about? For example, Good Charlotte
sings about girls and broken hearts, much like N Sync. Yet they
call themselves “punk.” I thought punk rock was
about rebellion and stuff. Is modern music that is called “punk”
really punk?
– Thanks, Jack
Hey Jack,
First turn off your MTV and never watch it again. MTV is a
malignant tumor on the arsehole of our culture. What they call
“punk” is merely bubblegum pop with a fast beat
prepackaged for the mindless suburban teens who drive SUVs and
have way too much disposable income. In a little while, they’ll
all go to Fort Lewis and grow dreadlocks and pretend to be liberal
for a few years, but I digress. For real punk rock of current
times you need to dig a little deeper. Go down to your local
record store and head for the punk section. Flip through the
$4-$6 compilations. Some quality labels include Alternative
Tentacles, Fat Wreck, Epitaph and BYO. Buy one or five, take
them home and crank them real loud on your recorded music-playing
apparatus. I’m sure you’ll be pleased. Hey, welcome
back to the scene my friend!
– Oi, The Diver
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| Diver:
Crispy from Carvers
Facts: Crispy would like to
apologize to all you bartenders out there for his last
appearance in this column: “You all have made
some extremely memorable martinis, and I give you all
props!”
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Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?
Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions
to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask
the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn
Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at
telegraph@durangotelegraph.com,
or by fax at 259-0448. |
Dear Diver,
Are you as sick of the word “diva”
as I am? What the hell does “diva” mean? Personally
I think it means “talentless female singer,” but
I could be wrong. Thoughts?
– Amy, Grandview
Amy,
I completely empathize with your plight. The
other day one of my roommates had MTV on (you know how I feel
about that), and they were throwing the word “diva”
around like a farmer does seed. I was about to shoot the TV
until I remembered that I don’t own a gun. Anyway, I
mosied over to my 1984 issue of Webster’s and looked
up the offending word that was defined as “the principal
female singer in an opera.” However, the meaning of
words can change over time so I suggest a new definition:
“A female singer who looks better than she sounds.”
– Love, The Diver
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