Dear Diver,

I have this friend that has an annoying habit. She will come over to visit, and for some reason, as she walks around the house, she’ll pick up various things such as a candle or other knick-knack, walk around for a minute with it, then put it down in a completely different place. This annoys me. I’ve told her time and time again not to do this, but it does not stop. Should I just stop inviting her over? Basically after she leaves I spend 15 minutes putting stuff back in its proper place. What can I do?

– Robin, via e-mail


With the very fabric of our civilization collapsing around us, fewer people are remembering their manners. I suggest what psychologists call simple negative conditioning for this “friend” of yours. Next time you’re expecting her over, hook a few of her favorite knick-knacks up to some well-hidden car batteries in such a way that her hand will complete the circuit when she grabs them. The idea is that she will receive a painful shock whilst undertaking her offending behavior and thusly be jolted back in line.

– Good luck, Diver

Dear Diver,

What’s better, cloth or disposable diapers?

– Lionel, via e-mail

Hi Lionel,

Cloth and disposable diapers both have a terrifying drawback. Imagine this: You have your baby at an important social function and the diaper gets too full and falls off. Imagine the sheer embarrassment! That’s why you should use duct tape instead.

– Be at peace, Crispy

Dear Diver,

How come the music today that is referred to as “punk” includes songs with the same types of subjects that those silly boy-bands sing about? For example, Good Charlotte sings about girls and broken hearts, much like N Sync. Yet they call themselves “punk.” I thought punk rock was about rebellion and stuff. Is modern music that is called “punk” really punk?

– Thanks, Jack

Hey Jack,

First turn off your MTV and never watch it again. MTV is a malignant tumor on the arsehole of our culture. What they call “punk” is merely bubblegum pop with a fast beat prepackaged for the mindless suburban teens who drive SUVs and have way too much disposable income. In a little while, they’ll all go to Fort Lewis and grow dreadlocks and pretend to be liberal for a few years, but I digress. For real punk rock of current times you need to dig a little deeper. Go down to your local record store and head for the punk section. Flip through the $4-$6 compilations. Some quality labels include Alternative Tentacles, Fat Wreck, Epitaph and BYO. Buy one or five, take them home and crank them real loud on your recorded music-playing apparatus. I’m sure you’ll be pleased. Hey, welcome back to the scene my friend!

– Oi, The Diver


Diver: Crispy from Carvers

Facts: Crispy would like to apologize to all you bartenders out there for his last appearance in this column: “You all have made some extremely memorable martinis, and I give you all props!”


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Dear Diver,

Are you as sick of the word “diva” as I am? What the hell does “diva” mean? Personally I think it means “talentless female singer,” but I could be wrong. Thoughts?

– Amy, Grandview


I completely empathize with your plight. The other day one of my roommates had MTV on (you know how I feel about that), and they were throwing the word “diva” around like a farmer does seed. I was about to shoot the TV until I remembered that I don’t own a gun. Anyway, I mosied over to my 1984 issue of Webster’s and looked up the offending word that was defined as “the principal female singer in an opera.” However, the meaning of words can change over time so I suggest a new definition: “A female singer who looks better than she sounds.”

– Love, The Diver



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