Dear Diver,
Recently my mother has been sending me “keepsakes.”
“This belonged to your Uncle Frank,” etc. etc. Basically
I think she’s cleaning out her closets. I don’t
want the stuff, but I’d feel guilty just throwing it away.
Any suggestions how I can handle this?
– Lois
Lois,
I’ll tell you what I tell everyone who comes to me in
a situation such as this: Move far away and don’t leave
a forwarding address. The preferred method for such action is
joining a crusade or cult (see answer to question No. 2).
– Thanks,
Diver
Diver,
On a recent trip to Las Vegas I noticed three things:
45 percent are women who are good-looking bimbos with fake accessories;
45 percent are men who are good-looking bimbos trying desperately
to be cool and fit in; and the remaining 10 percent are overweight
humans who are trying, but trying what I don’t know. Basically,
I’ve come to the conclusion that, with the exception of
Durango, the human race is disgusting. Do you agree?
– BL,
Durango
BL,
I’m glad you brought up this problem, because my followers
and I are currently forming a crusade to overtake and expropriate
the good-looking bimbos and overweight humans. We will be meeting
at Lemon Dam at 7 p.m. on Sunday, June 22, to organize our mobilization.
Be there or be square. Ecce quam bonum.
– Thanks,
Diver
Dear Diver,
My wife thinks it’s OK for our 10-year-old
daughter to wear make-up because all her friends do. I want
her to wait until she’s 12. What do you think?
-Henry, Bayfield
via e-mail
Henry,
Stand firm, cyberspace chum: If you yield on this pivotal issue,
you could lose control of your loved one and she could end up
doing something really off the wall, like working for the government
or joining a rock-n-roll band.
– Good luck,
Diver
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| Diver:
Worth from Haggard’s Black Dog Tavern.
Facts: Worth is the first Diver
to actually get a job as a diver just to be in the paper.
|
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Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?
Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions
to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask
the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn
Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at
telegraph@durangotelegraph.com,
or by fax at 259-0448. |
Diver,
Last night at the grocery store a
cranky elderly man got upset in the check-out line. For some
reason he left the steak he was buying somewhere in the store,
then yelled at the cashier for not knowing what he was purchasing.
Then as he was walking away, he tossed a roll of paper towels
toward the rest of his stuff, almost hitting my pregnant girlfriend.
When I asked “what’s your problem,” he said
“I don’t have a problem!” Should I have
punched him (which is what I wanted to do) or just let it
go (which is what I did), writing it off as just an encounter
with a grouchy old man?
– Jack in Durango
Jack,
Four words: “Flaming bag of poo.”
Only mindless acts of frivolity can deter devilish fiends
such as this cranky old man from menacing our fair city. If
problems persist, please do not exceed 15 bags of aforementioned
flaming poo.
–Let me know if that helps,
Diver
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