Dear Diver,

Recently my mother has been sending me “keepsakes.” “This belonged to your Uncle Frank,” etc. etc. Basically I think she’s cleaning out her closets. I don’t want the stuff, but I’d feel guilty just throwing it away. Any suggestions how I can handle this?

– Lois


I’ll tell you what I tell everyone who comes to me in a situation such as this: Move far away and don’t leave a forwarding address. The preferred method for such action is joining a crusade or cult (see answer to question No. 2).

– Thanks,



On a recent trip to Las Vegas I noticed three things: 45 percent are women who are good-looking bimbos with fake accessories; 45 percent are men who are good-looking bimbos trying desperately to be cool and fit in; and the remaining 10 percent are overweight humans who are trying, but trying what I don’t know. Basically, I’ve come to the conclusion that, with the exception of Durango, the human race is disgusting. Do you agree?

– BL,



I’m glad you brought up this problem, because my followers and I are currently forming a crusade to overtake and expropriate the good-looking bimbos and overweight humans. We will be meeting at Lemon Dam at 7 p.m. on Sunday, June 22, to organize our mobilization. Be there or be square. Ecce quam bonum.

– Thanks,


Dear Diver,

My wife thinks it’s OK for our 10-year-old daughter to wear make-up because all her friends do. I want her to wait until she’s 12. What do you think?

-Henry, Bayfield

via e-mail


Stand firm, cyberspace chum: If you yield on this pivotal issue, you could lose control of your loved one and she could end up doing something really off the wall, like working for the government or joining a rock-n-roll band.

– Good luck,



Diver: Worth from Haggard’s Black Dog Tavern.

Facts: Worth is the first Diver to actually get a job as a diver just to be in the paper.


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at, or by fax at 259-0448.


Last night at the grocery store a cranky elderly man got upset in the check-out line. For some reason he left the steak he was buying somewhere in the store, then yelled at the cashier for not knowing what he was purchasing. Then as he was walking away, he tossed a roll of paper towels toward the rest of his stuff, almost hitting my pregnant girlfriend. When I asked “what’s your problem,” he said “I don’t have a problem!” Should I have punched him (which is what I wanted to do) or just let it go (which is what I did), writing it off as just an encounter with a grouchy old man?

– Jack in Durango


Four words: “Flaming bag of poo.” Only mindless acts of frivolity can deter devilish fiends such as this cranky old man from menacing our fair city. If problems persist, please do not exceed 15 bags of aforementioned flaming poo.

–Let me know if that helps,




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