Dear Diver,

My grandmother used to say “the best things in life are free.” The older I get. though, it seems like everything in life actually has a pretty steep price tag on it. Can you think of any “best things” that are free (or at least affordable)?

– Chris

Dear Chris,

The best things in life are free, but they tend to be a little more abstract than cars, sea cruises and the like. Love, pretty sunsets and brotherhood can all be had for free. But since you’re looking for more tangible free things, I have compiled a list of some of my favorites: 1. Hubcaps found in ditches; 2. Slightly ornate rocks; 3. Sagebrush; and 4. Free (the hard-rockin’ ’70s band).

– Keep rockin,


Dear Diver,

I’m really concerned about my friend. He is about 70 pounds overweight, and that number is growing. He eats wrong, drinks a lot and smokes like a chimney. When I try to tell him that his lifestyle is unhealthy, he says something like “I’ll get myself together by the New Year.” He’s been saying that for years. I’m worried. How can I gently let him know he is getting heavier and unhealthier without hurting his feelings?

– Mitch,


Dear Mitch,

What your friend needs is a good punch in the stomach.

– Thanks, Diver

Dear Diver,

I’ve heard that if you tried to build a car by buying all the parts and putting them together yourself, it would cost you something like $100,000. What’s up with that?

– Anthony

Dear Anthony,

You’re talking nonsense! Why, when I was 20, I built a perfectly good car for only $500. However, I am also 100 years old.

– Thanks, Diver


Diver: Dan Groth, of the Buzz House

Interesting Facts: Dan steps in and picks up the slack when other Divers end up in rehab ... enough said.


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

My in-laws have the bad habit of dropping by unannounced. They just show up at our door. I very politely asked them to give us a little notice before their visits. So now they call from their cell phone and say, “We’re at the corner. Want some company?” How can I get it across to them that we’d like to have more than 60 seconds to pick up the place or get dressed or whatever?

– From,

“Not Now!”

Dear “Not Now,”

You sound like a regular ne’er-do-well, never prepared and always blaming others. On the other hand, your in-laws seem to be dear, sweet people who just need some love and attention. You know, if you just had a positive attitude toward life you wouldn’t have to dread these social engagements. Oh? You say you’ve been feeling down lately? You may actually have a social disorder. Maybe you should think about getting on some meds.

– Thanks,



Are moustaches still “hip?” I’m talking about Burt Reynolds and Tom Selleck –moustaches from the 1980s. Do the chicks still dig ’em?

– Donnie,


Dear Donnie,

Moustaches are hot!! Check out my new moustache, it sure makes me look manly. It’s tellin’ the ladies, “Hey, I’m back in action!” It also tells the wimps, “Don’t mess with me, bub.” Watch out Durango, for a true man has appeared on the scene!

– Regards,




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