Dear Diver,
DMR closed early this year even though there was
plenty of snow, then they raised the price of next year’s
season pass by $100, and they don’t even have a weekday
pass for us poor working slobs. What’s up with them?
– Sincerely, Powder Fiend
in Durango
Dear Powder Fiend,
I commiserate with your concerns, but those execs have lagging
portfolios to make up for. I highly recommend a change in your
winter recreation activities to a far more sensible sport –
hockey. Playing at the rink is a much better bargain. Additionally,
the rink at Chapman Hill is nearly as flat as the “mountain,”
making it far easier to traverse on a snowy morning. I’ve
also found that a poor working slob’s chance of getting
laid in this town are greatly enhanced at the mention of a real
sport.
– Thanks, Diver
Dear President Bush,
I don’t care about the war/violence in the
Middle East. It sucks, but my life is in danger here with these
elderly drivers. Why don’t they revoke senior citizens’
driver’s licenses when they turn 60? Can they at least
give our beloved senior citizens a driver’s test/refresher
course for their safety and my own? I recently saw a senior
citizen narrowly avoid the death of herself and a family at
the dangerous 3rd Ave/Florida Road intersection. This woman
took a left onto 3rd from the right lane! It’s insane!
– Concerned, BL, Durango
Dear BL,
I am utterly appalled by your lack of respect for your elders.
Someone ought to dot your “I.” You insinuate that
my parents catch the bus to their respective jobs, both in the
health industry. Only to give you a much-needed enema...I wonder
if they could figure what end to stick it in. My grandfather
may be so old that he farts rust, but he was heli-skiing New
Zealand at 82. Do you wish to revoke the rights of “The
Greatest Generation?” That woman on Florida may very well
have been Rosie the Riveter. How dare you imply that the few
infirmities of our elders be grounds for revocation of their
licenses. Speaking of infirmities, I would be willing to bet
a great number of our chronologically advanced could put your
bedside salute to shame.
– Regards, Diver
|
| Diver:
Tavis Yeats, of Gazpacho
Facts: This week, Tavis is
graduating from Fort Lewis College. Chances are he will
dive no more, because of the strength of the Durango
job market. Diploma in hand, Tavis is being offered
multiple, high-paying corporate jobs.
|
|
Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?
Seek help from the
master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions
to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask
the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn
Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at
telegraph@durangotelegraph.com,
or by fax at 259-0448. |
Dear Diver,
My husband is always losing his keys. Then he
goes around the house looking for them in vases, the medicine
cabinet, etc. I want to ask him why he thinks he would have
put them in places like that to begin with, but I just keep
my mouth shut. The question is, if something is lost, why
look for it in a place you know it can’t possibly
be?
– SSR
Dear SSR,
Let me not only thank you (on your husband’s behalf)
for your silence on the issue, but also let me apologize
for leaving the seat up, farting in bed and the remote control
thing. What I’m saying is that it’s just a guy
thing, and you won’t fix it.
To demonstrate our irrational innuendoes, allow me to digress.
I would be willing to bet that (before meeting you) your
beloved had gone to a “gentleman’s club”
looking for love. He walked in with a bulging wallet and
came out buzzed and brokenhearted (I’ll avoid the
bulge gag). It makes no sense to you, but at the time it
sure did to him.
Bottom line is, there’s really nothing you can do
to resolve your dilemma, and his irrational behavior will
only get worse. He’s just not that brilliant young
chap you thought you wed. You may soon see (though I hope
otherwise) that marriage is like the dish pit in July. Once
you’re in it for a while, it’s not so hot.
– Enjoy, Diver
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