Dear Diver,

DMR closed early this year even though there was plenty of snow, then they raised the price of next year’s season pass by $100, and they don’t even have a weekday pass for us poor working slobs. What’s up with them?

– Sincerely, Powder Fiend in Durango

Dear Powder Fiend,

I commiserate with your concerns, but those execs have lagging portfolios to make up for. I highly recommend a change in your winter recreation activities to a far more sensible sport – hockey. Playing at the rink is a much better bargain. Additionally, the rink at Chapman Hill is nearly as flat as the “mountain,” making it far easier to traverse on a snowy morning. I’ve also found that a poor working slob’s chance of getting laid in this town are greatly enhanced at the mention of a real sport.

– Thanks, Diver

Dear President Bush,

I don’t care about the war/violence in the Middle East. It sucks, but my life is in danger here with these elderly drivers. Why don’t they revoke senior citizens’ driver’s licenses when they turn 60? Can they at least give our beloved senior citizens a driver’s test/refresher course for their safety and my own? I recently saw a senior citizen narrowly avoid the death of herself and a family at the dangerous 3rd Ave/Florida Road intersection. This woman took a left onto 3rd from the right lane! It’s insane!

– Concerned, BL, Durango

Dear BL,

I am utterly appalled by your lack of respect for your elders. Someone ought to dot your “I.” You insinuate that my parents catch the bus to their respective jobs, both in the health industry. Only to give you a much-needed enema...I wonder if they could figure what end to stick it in. My grandfather may be so old that he farts rust, but he was heli-skiing New Zealand at 82. Do you wish to revoke the rights of “The Greatest Generation?” That woman on Florida may very well have been Rosie the Riveter. How dare you imply that the few infirmities of our elders be grounds for revocation of their licenses. Speaking of infirmities, I would be willing to bet a great number of our chronologically advanced could put your bedside salute to shame.

– Regards, Diver



Diver: Tavis Yeats, of Gazpacho

Facts: This week, Tavis is graduating from Fort Lewis College. Chances are he will dive no more, because of the strength of the Durango job market. Diploma in hand, Tavis is being offered multiple, high-paying corporate jobs.


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

My husband is always losing his keys. Then he goes around the house looking for them in vases, the medicine cabinet, etc. I want to ask him why he thinks he would have put them in places like that to begin with, but I just keep my mouth shut. The question is, if something is lost, why look for it in a place you know it can’t possibly be?


Dear SSR,

Let me not only thank you (on your husband’s behalf) for your silence on the issue, but also let me apologize for leaving the seat up, farting in bed and the remote control thing. What I’m saying is that it’s just a guy thing, and you won’t fix it.

To demonstrate our irrational innuendoes, allow me to digress. I would be willing to bet that (before meeting you) your beloved had gone to a “gentleman’s club” looking for love. He walked in with a bulging wallet and came out buzzed and brokenhearted (I’ll avoid the bulge gag). It makes no sense to you, but at the time it sure did to him.

Bottom line is, there’s really nothing you can do to resolve your dilemma, and his irrational behavior will only get worse. He’s just not that brilliant young chap you thought you wed. You may soon see (though I hope otherwise) that marriage is like the dish pit in July. Once you’re in it for a while, it’s not so hot.

– Enjoy, Diver



News Index Second Index Opinion Index Classifieds Index Contact Index