Dear Diver,
My grandfather is getting older, and I think he
needs to be put in a home. We don’t want to, but I think
for his safety and my parents’ sanity, it needs to be
done. How do we do this and let him feel like we still love
him?
– Bill, Durango
Dear Bill,
Here’s a sexy solution for that problem: Send Grandpa
on a sea cruise! A six-day Carnival cruise will surely put the
spring back in his step. Maybe he’ll meet some kind of
“silver fox,” and they’ll get married. If
that happens, then you and your family would pretty much be
off the hook. If my advice doesn’t work, I suggest you
find someone with a better moral compass than me.
–Thanks, Diver
Dear Diver,
My co-worker has a dog that weighs about 150 pounds.
He brings this behemoth dog to the office, and it drools on
my pants, leaving stains that won’t come out. What do
you recommend I do, about the dog and about the stains?
– Judy in Durango
Dear Judy,
For the stains: Just put big patches over them all –
I hear patches are really “in” nowadays. For the
dog: I suggest you purchase a fully grown lion because everyone
knows dogs are afraid of lions. Bring it to the office, and
you will have no more problems.
– Good luck, Diver
Dear Diver,
I know “reality” TV is the rage these
days; it is, in fact, television that reflects reality. However,
didn’t ’80s television reflect real life in any
way? Could there have been an “A-Team” helping the
helpless? How ‘bout the Hulk? An Italian maid/houseboy
in the form of Tony Danza? Could this be real?
– Thanks, Jamie
Dear Jamie,
I think ’80s TV played to our hopes, dreams and aspirations
while “reality” TV tries to confirm our deepest
cynicism about those former hopes, dreams and aspirations. However,
there is some indication that at least one ’80s sitcom
had a real-life parallel. Do you recall “Small Wonder,”
the show where a lonely man created a not-so-lifelike robot
to act as his daughter? The end result was not so much hijinx
but a huge explosion of insanity. I think the truth lies somewhere
between zany ’80s TV and our so-called reality TV.
– Happy watching! Diver
|
| Diver:
Dan Groth, of the Buzz House
Facts: Diver by day, session
musician by night. Dan played a custom-made Hott Lixx
Guitar Simulator on albums such as 1983s “Headhunter”
by Krokus and “Escape” by Journey.
|
|
Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?
Seek help from the
master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions
to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask
the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn
Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at
telegraph@durangotelegraph.com,
or by fax at 259-0448. |
Dear Diver,
Diver,
Why I can eat steak and potatoes and be full
for hours, yet I eat Chinese food and I’m hungry 30
minutes later?
– Wondering, Joel
Dear Joel,
The Chinese have decided, you, Joel, need to become obese.
They have added magic ingredients to your food so you will
want more and more. Their plan is to call you “fatso”
once you’ve gained enough weight. The Chinese hate
you, Joel.
– Sincerely, Diver
Dear Diver,
Here’s a spiral of a question for you:
So when we flush at my house in Durango, all the kids go
down with a little dance to the counter-clockwise. When
my friend flushes in Santiago, Chile, all his kids dance
down in a clockwise motion. So here’s the pooper –
when at the equator and dropping off precious cargo, does
it go left, right or straight down?
– Thursday Potluck
Crew
Dear Potluck Crew,
The equator is a mysterious place where the laws of physics
go haywire. In fact, they tend to not even build toilets
on the equator because too many people have been sucked
downward into oblivion. For God’s sake, just stay
away from the equator!
– Thanks, Diver
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