Dear Diver,

My grandfather is getting older, and I think he needs to be put in a home. We don’t want to, but I think for his safety and my parents’ sanity, it needs to be done. How do we do this and let him feel like we still love him?

– Bill, Durango

Dear Bill,

Here’s a sexy solution for that problem: Send Grandpa on a sea cruise! A six-day Carnival cruise will surely put the spring back in his step. Maybe he’ll meet some kind of “silver fox,” and they’ll get married. If that happens, then you and your family would pretty much be off the hook. If my advice doesn’t work, I suggest you find someone with a better moral compass than me.

–Thanks, Diver

Dear Diver,

My co-worker has a dog that weighs about 150 pounds. He brings this behemoth dog to the office, and it drools on my pants, leaving stains that won’t come out. What do you recommend I do, about the dog and about the stains?

– Judy in Durango

Dear Judy,

For the stains: Just put big patches over them all – I hear patches are really “in” nowadays. For the dog: I suggest you purchase a fully grown lion because everyone knows dogs are afraid of lions. Bring it to the office, and you will have no more problems.

– Good luck, Diver

Dear Diver,

I know “reality” TV is the rage these days; it is, in fact, television that reflects reality. However, didn’t ’80s television reflect real life in any way? Could there have been an “A-Team” helping the helpless? How ‘bout the Hulk? An Italian maid/houseboy in the form of Tony Danza? Could this be real?

– Thanks, Jamie

Dear Jamie,

I think ’80s TV played to our hopes, dreams and aspirations while “reality” TV tries to confirm our deepest cynicism about those former hopes, dreams and aspirations. However, there is some indication that at least one ’80s sitcom had a real-life parallel. Do you recall “Small Wonder,” the show where a lonely man created a not-so-lifelike robot to act as his daughter? The end result was not so much hijinx but a huge explosion of insanity. I think the truth lies somewhere between zany ’80s TV and our so-called reality TV.

– Happy watching! Diver


Diver: Dan Groth, of the Buzz House

Facts: Diver by day, session musician by night. Dan played a custom-made Hott Lixx Guitar Simulator on albums such as 1983s “Headhunter” by Krokus and “Escape” by Journey.


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,


Why I can eat steak and potatoes and be full for hours, yet I eat Chinese food and I’m hungry 30 minutes later?

– Wondering, Joel

Dear Joel,

The Chinese have decided, you, Joel, need to become obese. They have added magic ingredients to your food so you will want more and more. Their plan is to call you “fatso” once you’ve gained enough weight. The Chinese hate you, Joel.

– Sincerely, Diver

Dear Diver,

Here’s a spiral of a question for you: So when we flush at my house in Durango, all the kids go down with a little dance to the counter-clockwise. When my friend flushes in Santiago, Chile, all his kids dance down in a clockwise motion. So here’s the pooper – when at the equator and dropping off precious cargo, does it go left, right or straight down?

– Thursday Potluck Crew

Dear Potluck Crew,

The equator is a mysterious place where the laws of physics go haywire. In fact, they tend to not even build toilets on the equator because too many people have been sucked downward into oblivion. For God’s sake, just stay away from the equator!

– Thanks, Diver



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