Diver,
I have this “friend” who may have cheated
a little on his taxes. If the IRS does in fact keep good records,
how long do you think it will take for them to realize what
he has done?
-Helen in Hermosa
Dear Helen in Hermosa,
I find it troubling that your “friend” has chosen
this turbulent time in our nation’s history to cheat on
his (her??) taxes. Is your “friend” aware that our
country’s current Democracy spreading campaign is humming
along at an awesome cost of $10,000 per minute and at times
like these every penny counts? The only way Diver sees that
your “friend” can right this situation is to simply
cut out the middleman. Tell your “friend” that he
(she) needs to get to the basement immediately, batten down
the hatches, and get to work on building their own bomb, tank,
or battleship component (many options there) to personally contribute
to the liberation effort. When complete, he (or she) should
contact their nearest government affiliate and tell them, with
not too much detail of course, that they have this gift which
they would like to personally deliver to the powers that be.
I’m certain they’ll see immediate results.
-Bon Voyage, Diver
Dear Diver,
With summer approaching I’m wondering what
is the best way to tone up some of the more flabby parts of
my body. Any thoughts?
-Lauren
Dear Lauren,
You come forth with an issue shared by many, aired by few.
As time is of the essence, I submit to you an understandably
controversial plan; one which Diver feels a person with your
fortitude can delicately manipulate for the greatest gain (or
loss) without crumbling under its obvious pressures. For a short
time, and a short time only, take up smoking, and take it up
with unabashed abandon. Go straight for those serious unfiltered
numbers, not the eleven inch light pink twigs. Not only will
smoking curb your appetite, but the nonstop coughing is great
for your abs. You’ll have that six-pack stomach in no
time.
-Enjoy, Diver
Dear Diver,
How can I influence people in my office to do my
work for me?
-Wondering, Jack
Dear Jack,
First off, let me compliment you on your obvious writing talent.
Your sentence structure is sublime. Your phrasing is classic
yet fresh. You deftly get to the heart of the moment without
skimping on detail or flavor. Is this a learned and finely crafted
skill, or a gift with which you were born? You should be writing
this column with your adroit sense of timely element and keenly
honed verbiage. Do you suppose this is something you would consider?
I know we would all be bettered by the exposure to your princely
prose.
-Wondering in return, Diver
|
| Diver:
Andy Snow from Nini’s
Facts: Not only is Andy a Diver,
he is an owner. Yes, there still are humans that exist
in upper management that are not afraid to do the dishes.
|
|
Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?
Seek help from the
master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions
to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask
the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn
Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at
telegraph@durangotelegraph.com,
or by fax at 259-0448. |
Dear Diver,
My wife just had a baby, and we can’t
come to a decision on a name. Should we just refer to her
as “baby” until she is old enough to name herself?
-Mom and Dad in Durango
Dear Mom and Dad in Durango,
No! If at any point in a female’s life she is referred
to as nothing but “baby” she is destined to
become a stripper. However, for over a thousand years indecisive
parents have turned to the tried and true tool for labeling
their little loved ones. SCRABBLE. Simply play the game,
concocting only names, till all the game pieces are used.
The name garnering the highest score is chosen. Some very
famous and popular names have been created this way. Aaron,
Oscar, Sven, Igor and Tiffany (used all letters with a triple
word score good for sixty six points) to name just a few.
So bust out the board game and give this kid an identity
to grow in to.
-Good luck, Diver
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