I have this “friend” who may have cheated a little on his taxes. If the IRS does in fact keep good records, how long do you think it will take for them to realize what he has done?

-Helen in Hermosa

Dear Helen in Hermosa,

I find it troubling that your “friend” has chosen this turbulent time in our nation’s history to cheat on his (her??) taxes. Is your “friend” aware that our country’s current Democracy spreading campaign is humming along at an awesome cost of $10,000 per minute and at times like these every penny counts? The only way Diver sees that your “friend” can right this situation is to simply cut out the middleman. Tell your “friend” that he (she) needs to get to the basement immediately, batten down the hatches, and get to work on building their own bomb, tank, or battleship component (many options there) to personally contribute to the liberation effort. When complete, he (or she) should contact their nearest government affiliate and tell them, with not too much detail of course, that they have this gift which they would like to personally deliver to the powers that be. I’m certain they’ll see immediate results.

-Bon Voyage, Diver

Dear Diver,

With summer approaching I’m wondering what is the best way to tone up some of the more flabby parts of my body. Any thoughts?


Dear Lauren,

You come forth with an issue shared by many, aired by few. As time is of the essence, I submit to you an understandably controversial plan; one which Diver feels a person with your fortitude can delicately manipulate for the greatest gain (or loss) without crumbling under its obvious pressures. For a short time, and a short time only, take up smoking, and take it up with unabashed abandon. Go straight for those serious unfiltered numbers, not the eleven inch light pink twigs. Not only will smoking curb your appetite, but the nonstop coughing is great for your abs. You’ll have that six-pack stomach in no time.

-Enjoy, Diver

Dear Diver,

How can I influence people in my office to do my work for me?

-Wondering, Jack

Dear Jack,

First off, let me compliment you on your obvious writing talent. Your sentence structure is sublime. Your phrasing is classic yet fresh. You deftly get to the heart of the moment without skimping on detail or flavor. Is this a learned and finely crafted skill, or a gift with which you were born? You should be writing this column with your adroit sense of timely element and keenly honed verbiage. Do you suppose this is something you would consider? I know we would all be bettered by the exposure to your princely prose.

-Wondering in return, Diver


Diver: Andy Snow from Nini’s

Facts: Not only is Andy a Diver, he is an owner. Yes, there still are humans that exist in upper management that are not afraid to do the dishes.


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

My wife just had a baby, and we can’t come to a decision on a name. Should we just refer to her as “baby” until she is old enough to name herself?

-Mom and Dad in Durango

Dear Mom and Dad in Durango,

No! If at any point in a female’s life she is referred to as nothing but “baby” she is destined to become a stripper. However, for over a thousand years indecisive parents have turned to the tried and true tool for labeling their little loved ones. SCRABBLE. Simply play the game, concocting only names, till all the game pieces are used. The name garnering the highest score is chosen. Some very famous and popular names have been created this way. Aaron, Oscar, Sven, Igor and Tiffany (used all letters with a triple word score good for sixty six points) to name just a few. So bust out the board game and give this kid an identity to grow in to.

-Good luck, Diver



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