Dear Diver,
What is the best way to prepare for fatherhood,
both mentally and financially? Is another job and perhaps Valium
the answer?
– Charles McGee,
via e-mail
Charles,
Step one: Shop around for the best offers from Middle Eastern
countries, especially Iraq. After we finish bombing them to
the Stone Age, most of the population will need babies.
Use the Valium mixed with a great deal of liquor to keep your
wife sedated until you can think of a good lie. Any damage done
by the booze and pills won’t be your problem.
– Good luck,
Diver
Diver,
Why do people within various subcultures that express
“non-conformity” all look, dress and, for the most
part, act alike?
– Wondering,
Jack
Jack,
Nonconformity is code for lazy, drunk and messed-up people
who don’t have time for bathing, laundry or brushing their
teeth. Have fun on tour, bro.
Diver
Diver,
I met a woman months ago. She has a kid from a previous
marriage. Me and this kid have kind of bonded, but the kid’s
mother is starting to get on my nerves. Sooo, do I put up with
her for the sake of the kid or what?
– Confused
Dear Confused,
Drop them both. They are just cramping your style. And the
kid has already been abandoned by his real father, so one more
abandonment won’t matter that much.
– Thanks,
Diver
|
| Diver:
Sean Burkee, of Meritage,
Fact: Sean is a diver who is
as elusive as the day is long. We suspect he may be
a participant in the witness protection program after
he vehemently declined having his photo taken for this
column. (Have fun washing dishes, bro.)
|
|
Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?
Seek help from the
master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions
to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask
the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn
Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at
telegraph@durangotelegraph.com,
or by fax at 259-0448. |
Dear Diver,
There are some of these reality shows on TV
that are OK, but lately some of the ideas they come up with
are really lame. It doesn’t seem to matter though,
since they are getting viewers. Here’s my question.
Apart from maybe something like “puking
celebrities,” is there anything America won’t
watch?
– Gina
Gina,
I doubt that there are any shows that this population won’t
watch, even celebrities puking. However, if it were me,
I’d do something like farting or puking to make it
even funnier.
– Happy partying,
Diver
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