Dear Diver,

What is the best way to prepare for fatherhood, both mentally and financially? Is another job and perhaps Valium the answer?

– Charles McGee,

via e-mail


Step one: Shop around for the best offers from Middle Eastern countries, especially Iraq. After we finish bombing them to the Stone Age, most of the population will need babies.

Use the Valium mixed with a great deal of liquor to keep your wife sedated until you can think of a good lie. Any damage done by the booze and pills won’t be your problem.

– Good luck,



Why do people within various subcultures that express “non-conformity” all look, dress and, for the most part, act alike?

– Wondering,



Nonconformity is code for lazy, drunk and messed-up people who don’t have time for bathing, laundry or brushing their teeth. Have fun on tour, bro.



I met a woman months ago. She has a kid from a previous marriage. Me and this kid have kind of bonded, but the kid’s mother is starting to get on my nerves. Sooo, do I put up with her for the sake of the kid or what?

– Confused

Dear Confused,

Drop them both. They are just cramping your style. And the kid has already been abandoned by his real father, so one more abandonment won’t matter that much.

– Thanks,



Diver: Sean Burkee, of Meritage,

Fact: Sean is a diver who is as elusive as the day is long. We suspect he may be a participant in the witness protection program after he vehemently declined having his photo taken for this column. (Have fun washing dishes, bro.)


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

There are some of these reality shows on TV that are OK, but lately some of the ideas they come up with are really lame. It doesn’t seem to matter though, since they are getting viewers. Here’s my question.

Apart from maybe something like “puking celebrities,” is there anything America won’t watch?

– Gina


I doubt that there are any shows that this population won’t watch, even celebrities puking. However, if it were me, I’d do something like farting or puking to make it even funnier.

– Happy partying,




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