It’s a well-known fact that various law-enforcement
officers spend time on the Web in chat rooms. They pretend to
be lonely housewives or drug suppliers in order to lure innocent
people into breaking the law. In the guise of dispensing so-called
advice, is that what you’re doing? How do we know you’re
not a cop? Be truthful.
By giving advice, I am not trying to lure anyone into breaking
the law. If you want to know if I’m a cop, then just come
on down to the courthouse any given week and look for my name
on the docket. As far as advice, I suggest you stop looking
at cyber porn.
– Thanks, Diver
I read somewhere that the Eskimos have a hundred
different words for snow. Is that B.S. (for which we have a
hundred different words)? If it’s true, what’s the
point? If you’re sitting around the campfire and your
buddy can’t think of anything else to talk about besides
snow, wouldn’t you just stick a harpoon in him?
This reminds me of the baby seal who walked into a club. It’s
stupid. Keep those questions coming!
If you make your living playing professional sports,
what do you do for fun, work in a factory?
– Fitz and Arnie
Dear F & A,
I have been known to make some money on the bowling circuit
but I still dive five times a week. Those other professionals
spend their free time doing wholesome things like going to strip
clubs and doing drugs with Daryl Strawberry.
– Enjoy, Diver
Steve Richards, of Cuckoos
Facts: Not only is Steve a
volunteer diver, he also is a professional drinker,
as noted on the bricks in Falconburgh’s. Steve
also starred in a “Hawaiian Punch” commercial
when he was 10. We’re not kidding.
Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?
Seek help from the
master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions
to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask
the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn
Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at
or by fax at 259-0448.
My class reunion is coming up this summer, and
I’m not sure if I want to go. Not to sound vain, but
my looks have improved a lot since I was in school. A friend
of mine says I should go just to watch everybody’s
jaws drop when they find out it’s me. Personally,
I’m not sure I want to get hit on by guys who wouldn’t
give me the time of day 10 years ago. What do you think?
– Thanks, R.L.
I agree with your friend. You should go to the reunion.
And I would be happy to give you the time of day, just tell
me how many times you want me to give it to you.
– We’ll talk soon, Diver
Is over-the-counter medicine a rip-off? I think
it is nothing more than a scam to make money. We all know
that the only thing that cures sickness is Morphine. However,
I’m not above or below taking ginseng, echinacea or
other fancy voodoo type medicinal cures. Your thoughts?
– Loni, Hermosa
Over-the-counter medicine has many uses. Drink some Robitussin
before going to the bar, and you’ll see your bar tab
dramatically reduced. If you want to try a new herbal remedy,
look in your neighbor’s back yard. You might find
some growing back there.
– Thanks, Diver