Dear Diver,

Why is the economy such a mess? What does economy mean?

–Bill, Hermosa

Dear Bill,

Let us get at the root of our economic woes by defining “economy.” This word derives from the Greek “Oikonomia,” meaning “management of household of family.” Now let’s imagine that the U.S. is just one household in a large neighborhood. The father of our household has built a huge, hot-pink mansion and is working on a plan to paint all the other houses hot pink. Iraq is the run-down household a few blocks down with barking dogs, a secret meth lab and a huge supply of oil. Our father thinks he can manage our household best by destroying this rogue neighbor, building a new hot-pink house in its place and hoarding the oil. I realize this is a simplification, but I hope it is a start.

– Thanks, Diver


You don’t give advice as well as some professionals. As a matter of fact, no divers do. Do you think you really help people?

– Sincerely, Dr. David Blivens

Dear Doctor,

Nobody’s perfect, not even you so-called professionals. Oh wait! I forgot about professional wrestler, Mr. Perfect. I bet he gave better advice than me. Did you ever see his trademark “Perfect Plex?” Man, he totally beat the Ultimate Warrior that one time.

– See ya, Diver

Dear Diver,

Is there a lonely hearts club in town? Men suck, and I want to celebrate Valentine’s Day with like-minded people.

– Signed, On the Rebound

Dear On the Rebound,

It seems like you’re feeling pretty bitter right now. I suggest you get a big bag of sweets. All that bitterness will be replaced by very sweet glee.

– Good luck, Diver

Diver: The Buzz House’s Dan Groth

Facts: His knowledge of wrestling and classic rock combined with his ability to write poetry makes him the Renaissance Diver.


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

During Snowdown weekend I was attempting to drive my car through an alley before the parade and had to ask a carload of kids in Phish t-shirts with dreadlocks to move their car, which was blocking the alley. Instead of getting a “kind” response they cursed at me, and one of them actually got out of the car and pushed me. My question is this: why would a carload of hippies with peace stickers on their Subaru be so rude and violent? Oh yeah, I’m a woman, and the coward that pushed me wasn’t.

– D.C. in Durango

Dear D.C.,

A shocking incident, to be sure! However, I’m not entirely surprised. These creatures were dangerous types whose only similarities to our peaceful friends are their love of jam bands and marijuana. Watch out for them! I’ve heard some worship Satan. “Kind” for these monsters only refers to “dank.” So if you ever find yourself in an alley and hear a strange noodly guitar, beware! These sinister beings may be thinking globally and acting locally, but they are doing so in the name of Lord Beelzebub.

– Be careful, Diver

Dear Diver,

Was Valentine’s Day created to torture men like me? Colorado ski towns are like a convention of altar boys. I noticed a letter from an available woman last week. How can I reach her? I want to find a woman I can buy roses for.

– Lonely Dude in Durango

Dear Lonely Dude,

I was inspired to write a poem for you: “The Lone Genius:”

The Lone Genius

is lonely and needs warmth,

But he is also a lover,

sexually superior

to these weak altar boys

from the sausage factory.

Do you know this genius?

I know you do,because he is me.

If this fails, I suggest you put on “More Than a Feeling” by Boston. That always makes me feel good.

– Enjoy, Diver




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