Dear Diver,
Why is the economy such a mess? What does economy
mean?
–Bill, Hermosa
Dear Bill,
Let us get at the root of our economic woes by defining “economy.”
This word derives from the Greek “Oikonomia,” meaning
“management of household of family.” Now let’s
imagine that the U.S. is just one household in a large neighborhood.
The father of our household has built a huge, hot-pink mansion
and is working on a plan to paint all the other houses hot pink.
Iraq is the run-down household a few blocks down with barking
dogs, a secret meth lab and a huge supply of oil. Our father
thinks he can manage our household best by destroying this rogue
neighbor, building a new hot-pink house in its place and hoarding
the oil. I realize this is a simplification, but I hope it is
a start.
– Thanks, Diver
Diver,
You don’t give advice as well as some professionals.
As a matter of fact, no divers do. Do you think you really help
people?
– Sincerely, Dr. David Blivens
Dear Doctor,
Nobody’s perfect, not even you so-called professionals.
Oh wait! I forgot about professional wrestler, Mr. Perfect.
I bet he gave better advice than me. Did you ever see his trademark
“Perfect Plex?” Man, he totally beat the Ultimate
Warrior that one time.
– See ya, Diver
Dear Diver,
Is there a lonely hearts club in town? Men suck,
and I want to celebrate Valentine’s Day with like-minded
people.
– Signed, On the Rebound
Dear On the Rebound,
It seems like you’re feeling pretty bitter right now.
I suggest you get a big bag of sweets. All that bitterness will
be replaced by very sweet glee.
– Good luck, Diver
|
| Diver:
The Buzz House’s Dan Groth
Facts: His knowledge of wrestling
and classic rock combined with his ability to write
poetry makes him the Renaissance Diver.
|
|
Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?
Seek help from the
master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions
to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask
the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn
Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at
telegraph@durangotelegraph.com,
or by fax at 259-0448. |
Dear Diver,
During Snowdown weekend I was attempting to
drive my car through an alley before the parade and had
to ask a carload of kids in Phish t-shirts with dreadlocks
to move their car, which was blocking the alley. Instead
of getting a “kind” response they cursed at
me, and one of them actually got out of the car and pushed
me. My question is this: why would a carload of hippies
with peace stickers on their Subaru be so rude and violent?
Oh yeah, I’m a woman, and the coward that pushed me
wasn’t.
– D.C. in Durango
Dear D.C.,
A shocking incident, to be sure! However, I’m not
entirely surprised. These creatures were dangerous types
whose only similarities to our peaceful friends are their
love of jam bands and marijuana. Watch out for them! I’ve
heard some worship Satan. “Kind” for these monsters
only refers to “dank.” So if you ever find yourself
in an alley and hear a strange noodly guitar, beware! These
sinister beings may be thinking globally and acting locally,
but they are doing so in the name of Lord Beelzebub.
– Be careful, Diver
Dear Diver,
Was Valentine’s Day created to torture
men like me? Colorado ski towns are like a convention of
altar boys. I noticed a letter from an available woman last
week. How can I reach her? I want to find a woman I can
buy roses for.
– Lonely Dude in Durango
Dear Lonely Dude,
I was inspired to write a poem for you: “The Lone
Genius:”
The Lone Genius
is lonely and needs warmth,
But he is also a lover,
sexually superior
to these weak altar boys
from the sausage factory.
Do you know this genius?
I know you do,because he is me.
If this fails, I suggest you put on “More Than a
Feeling” by Boston. That always makes me feel good.
– Enjoy, Diver
|
