Dear Diver,

My Chevy pickup has over 200,000 miles on it. My wife says it’s a hunk of junk and that I should get rid of it, but a friend of mine says hang onto it, someday it will be a classic. At what point does a vehicle go from being just old to being a classic? By the way, I’m pushing 60 myself. At what point do I become a classic? I know my wife has an opinion about that, but what’s yours?

– Thanks, DeWayne F.,

via e-mail

Dear Dad,

What are you talking about you drunk old man, you sold that old truck last year! Please, stop drinking and pay attention.

– Your son,


Dear Diver,

It seems as if our world is getting crazier and crazier. With war on the horizon, the economy in the dumps and warm January temperatures, I’m wondering if God hates us, we are experiencing bad luck or if life just stinks. Your thoughts?

– Mary,


Dear Mary,

The first thing you need to realize is that the Lord loves everybody. However, as long as Bush is in office, life is going to continue to stink.

– Good luck,


Dear Diver,

How come a few weeks back there was this ongoing battle of letters between people who dig music? One guy says this band is great; one guy says you all are stupid because jam bands aren’t represented. Why do some people think they are cooler than others because of the music they listen to? Slayer puts Wilco and Phish to shame in my opinion. My question is, what makes me cooler than all of them?

– Chris,



Next time you are driving your Thunder Bird around Fifth Avenue and College Drive, stop in at Homeslice, and I will hit you in the head with a pizza tray because Slayer sucks.

– See you soon,


Diver: Jordan Frane, Home Slice Pizza

Facts: Another diver from what is turning out to be the diver training ground for the Southwest, Homeslice Pizza. Jordan’s philosophy is that advice is best when it’s short and simple.



Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

Skiing hurts my knees, and snowboarding hurts my ass. Is acupuncture a recommended cure for this? I know it may work on my knees but my back side? Any thoughts?

– AJ,

via e-mail.


I would buy some knee pads, and I don’t recommend acupuncture for your back side.

– Enjoy,


Dear Diver,

I’m an eighth-grader and play soccer, do my best at school and help out a lot around the house. I even almost got straight As last term. But that’s not good enough for my parents. They constantly nag me about doing better in school and helping out more around the house, and that really bugs me. My baby brother gets away with murder. They are constantly buying him Rescue Rangers, and he can’t even tie his shoes. What can I tell them to stop treating me so bad? They don’t hit me though.

– Jimmy,



Your brother’s shoes are not the issue here. Your parents obviously are not paying attention to you. I think you should pack your backpack and run away from home for a couple of days, that usually gets them every time.

– Have fun,




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