Dear Diver,

What are your new year’s resolutions?

Dana, Durango

Dearest Dana,

Here’s my list of New Year’s resolutions: 1. To be the first on my block to obtain weapons of mass destruction (maybe now the neighbors will think twice before complaining about the noise.)
2. To win the lottery and put all the money toward teaching the bartenders in Durango how to make a decent martini. 3. To jump-start my journalistic career by obtaining a regular column in this fair newspaper. If you readers agree, please call the Telegraph and shout “I WANT MY CRISPY!”

– Warmest regards, Diver

Dear Diver,

Am I allowed to make a citizen’s arrest of morons who discard cigarettes on the sidewalk?

– Curious, Charles in Durango, via e-mail

Dear Citizen Charles,

Hurt the bastards and make it look like an accident. Believe me, it’s much better that way. Remember, police involvement = red tape.

– Love, The Diver


Dear Diver,

Is it true that there is no more “originality” in the world? For example, don’t most sitcoms resemble other sitcoms, which in turn resemble old vaudeville, which in turn is loosely based on bawdy humor in many Shakespearean comedy’s (sic)? Do you think some writers loosely base (or perhaps steal) their material?

– Maria from Hermosa

Maria, my love!

First off, 75 percent of human creativity is based upon said human’s environment. The remaining 25 percent is based upon his/her current state of mind. Although “creativity” seems dead, it has in fact been in a deep coma since 1993. Perhaps Maria, sweetheart, you are destined to be the millennial savior of human creativity. First, have a really wonderful mind-altering experience, then pour all your musings out on paper. It also wouldn’t hurt to wander out on your porch and scream to the muses for help (the muses like it when you’re nekkid.)

– Cheers,

P.S. You only need apostrophes for possessive nouns. Plural nouns, such as “comedies,” do not need apostrophes.

Diver: Crispy from Carvers

Interesting Facts: Some may ask why Crispy has been the Diver three times. We invite you to come by and take a look at Crispy fan mail flooding the Telegraph offices. It rivals the thousands of letters a young David Cassidy received in 1976 during the height of Partridge Family mania.


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

You know how the winning football team always dumps a bucket of sports beverage on its coach? How come they don’t celebrate like that in other sports? Maybe baseball players could save up all that saliva and spit on the manager when they win. What about ice hockey? Maybe pour hot coffee on the coach? Any thoughts on how we can get something like this started?

– Fitz and Arnie, via e-mail

Greetings and salutations my friends,

I most deeply feel (this is worth a friggin jihad damnit!) that ALL sports teams ought to dump gin and tonics on their coaches. They should make sure that most of this exalted beverage makes it in the coach’s mouth. Be sure to add a twist of lime. This is just what coaches/managers need after performing their stressful duties.

– Bwana, Diver



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