Dear Diver,
What are your new year’s resolutions?
Dana, Durango
Dearest Dana,
Here’s my list of New Year’s resolutions: 1. To
be the first on my block to obtain weapons of mass destruction
(maybe now the neighbors will think twice before complaining
about the noise.)
2. To win the lottery and put all the money toward teaching
the bartenders in Durango how to make a decent martini. 3. To
jump-start my journalistic career by obtaining a regular column
in this fair newspaper. If you readers agree, please call the
Telegraph and shout “I WANT MY CRISPY!”
– Warmest regards, Diver
Dear Diver,
Am I allowed to make a citizen’s arrest of morons who
discard cigarettes on the sidewalk?
– Curious, Charles in Durango,
via e-mail
Dear Citizen Charles,
Hurt the bastards and make it look like an accident. Believe
me, it’s much better that way. Remember, police involvement
= red tape.
– Love, The Diver
Dear Diver,
Is it true that there is no more “originality” in
the world? For example, don’t most sitcoms resemble other
sitcoms, which in turn resemble old vaudeville, which in turn
is loosely based on bawdy humor in many Shakespearean comedy’s
(sic)? Do you think some writers loosely base (or perhaps steal)
their material?
– Maria from Hermosa
Maria, my love!
First off, 75 percent of human creativity is based upon said
human’s environment. The remaining 25 percent is based
upon his/her current state of mind. Although “creativity”
seems dead, it has in fact been in a deep coma since 1993. Perhaps
Maria, sweetheart, you are destined to be the millennial savior
of human creativity. First, have a really wonderful mind-altering
experience, then pour all your musings out on paper. It also
wouldn’t hurt to wander out on your porch and scream to
the muses for help (the muses like it when you’re nekkid.)
– Cheers,
Diver
P.S. You only need apostrophes for possessive nouns. Plural
nouns, such as “comedies,” do not need apostrophes. |
| Diver:
Crispy from Carvers
Interesting Facts: Some may
ask why Crispy has been the Diver three times. We invite
you to come by and take a look at Crispy fan mail flooding
the Telegraph offices. It rivals the thousands of letters
a young David Cassidy received in 1976 during the height
of Partridge Family mania.
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Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?
Seek help from the
master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions
to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask
the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn
Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at
telegraph@durangotelegraph.com,
or by fax at 259-0448. |
Dear Diver,
You know how the winning football team always dumps a bucket
of sports beverage on its coach? How come they don’t
celebrate like that in other sports? Maybe baseball players
could save up all that saliva and spit on the manager when
they win. What about ice hockey? Maybe pour hot coffee on
the coach? Any thoughts on how we can get something like
this started?
– Fitz and Arnie, via
e-mail
Greetings and salutations my friends,
I most deeply feel (this is worth a friggin jihad damnit!)
that ALL sports teams ought to dump gin and tonics on their
coaches. They should make sure that most of this exalted
beverage makes it in the coach’s mouth. Be sure to
add a twist of lime. This is just what coaches/managers
need after performing their stressful duties.
– Bwana, Diver
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