(Editor’s note: The following
is our first “Dear Diver” submission to arrive in
verse. The slashes separate stanzas.)
Is he thick in the head/ or plain uninterested/
took down my number twice/ yet here I am, asking/ your advice./
“Lost them” he said/ asked for it again/ promised
to call me/ I’m left wondering when. / He’s the
butt end of jokes/ by my roommates and I;/ Had I not been hooked,
I’d give up/ this is my last try./ Can’t do much
more/ without seeming absurd/ I’m outta his life/ unless
he gives me word./ He’s got my number now/ I mean he wrote
it down thrice/ So sweetie, honey, babe, awake!/ a call would
be nice./ Dear Diver/ I’ve done all I know how to do/
If you think of more/ I’ll leave it to you.
Dear Temporarily Insane,
I think he’s uninterested. To tell you the truth you
sound a little ... well, crazy. Why don’t you try to get
HIS number? Is this the first time you have ever tried to court
a young man? You need to stop worrying about him and move on.
Leave the poor guy alone.
How come in the three months or so this paper has
been around, there has only been one female diver? I think you
need to even the diver pool out some.
I’m sure if you applied as a diver to one of the many
fine restaurants in Durango, you might be able to hold this
– Good luck,
My friend in Japan recently sent me an abacus and
tried to tell me it’s like a calculator? What the hell
is this thing?
London via e-mail
I believe an abacus is an ancient Asian counting machine. It
has colored balls that are moved horizontally, and they represent
numbers and are then added up! You might want to look it up
in an encyclopedia (which is a book of information) or on the
Internet (which is a time-wasting device found on a computer.).
– Yours truly,
Markus Farkus of Grandma Chung's
Fact: Markus Farkus was just too
damn busy working to clue us in on his history, hobbies
Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?
Seek help from the
master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions
to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask
the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn
Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at
or by fax at 259-0448.
Is sniffing glue really dangerous? It kills
brain cells or something? Clue me in please.
– Your friend, Melanie
Huffing glue is definitely bad for you.
But I sure picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue!
Just kidding, if you’re looking for a feeling of elation
look to the soil of the earth.
– Yours in health,
As a fan of Van Halen, I’m
wondering what you think. Who is better, David Lee Roth, Sammy
Hagar, or one of the other jokers that replaced Diamond David
Lee? I also wonder, if Eddie Van Halen keeps hiring people
then later claims they “hurt the band,” if perhaps
he’s the problem? Please clear this up, and tell me
what the best Van Halen album is if you are capable and willing.
Mike S., West Third Ave., Durango
Eddie Van Halen is definitely
the problem. When David Lee Roth “left” the band,
Van Halen was dead to me. I mean, come on, Sammy Hagar? He’s
some sort of joke. They just got worse from there. “1984”
is the best album.
– Keep on rockin’,