(Editor’s note: The following is our first “Dear Diver” submission to arrive in verse. The slashes separate stanzas.)

Dear Diver,

Is he thick in the head/ or plain uninterested/ took down my number twice/ yet here I am, asking/ your advice./ “Lost them” he said/ asked for it again/ promised to call me/ I’m left wondering when. / He’s the butt end of jokes/ by my roommates and I;/ Had I not been hooked, I’d give up/ this is my last try./ Can’t do much more/ without seeming absurd/ I’m outta his life/ unless he gives me word./ He’s got my number now/ I mean he wrote it down thrice/ So sweetie, honey, babe, awake!/ a call would be nice./ Dear Diver/ I’ve done all I know how to do/ If you think of more/ I’ll leave it to you.

–Temporarily Insane

Dear Temporarily Insane,

I think he’s uninterested. To tell you the truth you sound a little ... well, crazy. Why don’t you try to get HIS number? Is this the first time you have ever tried to court a young man? You need to stop worrying about him and move on. Leave the poor guy alone.

– Sincerely,


Dear Diver,

How come in the three months or so this paper has been around, there has only been one female diver? I think you need to even the diver pool out some.

– Janet,


Dear Janet,

I’m sure if you applied as a diver to one of the many fine restaurants in Durango, you might be able to hold this prestigious position.

– Good luck,



Dear Diver,

My friend in Japan recently sent me an abacus and tried to tell me it’s like a calculator? What the hell is this thing?

– Newman,

London via e-mail

Dear Newman,

I believe an abacus is an ancient Asian counting machine. It has colored balls that are moved horizontally, and they represent numbers and are then added up! You might want to look it up in an encyclopedia (which is a book of information) or on the Internet (which is a time-wasting device found on a computer.).

– Yours truly,


Diver: Markus Farkus of Grandma Chung's

: Markus Farkus was just too
damn busy working to clue us in on his history, hobbies or habits.

Dan Groth from the Buzz House


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

Is sniffing glue really dangerous? It kills brain cells or something? Clue me in please.

– Your friend, Melanie

Dear Melanie,

Huffing glue is definitely bad for you. But I sure picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue! Just kidding, if you’re looking for a feeling of elation look to the soil of the earth.

– Yours in health,


Dear Diver,

As a fan of Van Halen, I’m wondering what you think. Who is better, David Lee Roth, Sammy Hagar, or one of the other jokers that replaced Diamond David Lee? I also wonder, if Eddie Van Halen keeps hiring people then later claims they “hurt the band,” if perhaps he’s the problem? Please clear this up, and tell me what the best Van Halen album is if you are capable and willing.

– Thanks,

Mike S., West Third Ave., Durango

Dear Mike,

Eddie Van Halen is definitely the problem. When David Lee Roth “left” the band, Van Halen was dead to me. I mean, come on, Sammy Hagar? He’s some sort of joke. They just got worse from there. “1984” is the best album.

– Keep on rockin’,




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