Divers: Rob Lawrence of Sunnyside Farms Market

Interesting Facts: Plays guitar and banjo, but not quite as well as he washes dishes

Years in the industry: 19

Dear Diver,
I live in the Washington D.C. area and only read your local paper online because I have a “friend” who lives in Durango and I like to keep tabs on the local hub-bub for conversational purposes. During the stressful times of your local wildfires, I always kept in touch with my “friend” to check on his well being. But when the sniper was shooting people in my neighborhood I didn’t hear one word out of my “friend.” No e-mails, no phone calls. Not even a smoke signal from your fires. I feel angry that he didn’t check on me. Do you think I should be angry and how should I approach him about this?

– Dan Gohr
College Park, MD via e-mail

Dear Dan,
Stop whining and worrying about yourself all the time, it’s down right childish! Give your “friend” a call; I’m sure he has a good reason for not staying in touch.

– Diver

Dear Diver,
Is Kenny G. a legitimate jazz musician?

– Your friend,
Tommy H.

Tommy,
Yes, Kenny G. is, in fact, a legitimate jazz musician. I celebrate the guy’s entire catalog. He’s in a league all his own with the likes of Yanni and John Tesh. His ability to blow is second to none. The way his lips caress the reed and coax the song from his horn is almost sensual. Christmas is right around the corner, and remember Kenny G. always makes a good stocking stuffer!

– Happy listening,
Diver

Dear Diver,
For the past few months, I have been sharing an office with an extremely forthcoming woman. On her first day she enlightened me with the dramatic goings on of her menstrual issues. Since then I have been enduring a detailed play-by-play of a mysterious fungus that appeared on her foot and has since progressed up her leg, and so forth (I will spare you the colorful details.) My favorite morsel is the story of when she was an infant and her parents found her in the woods encircled by a pack of wild dogs, which has led her to believe that she is a witch. Being a witch, she routinely puts death curses on anyone who crosses her (she claims two of them have worked!) Then there are her “anger issues,” notably road rage. The woman babbles incessantly and is given to sudden gaseous outbursts. Did I mention the fungus? Please, venerable Diver, tell me what to do. How can I tastefully get her to shut the hell up? As for the “witch” thing ... should I throw her in the fountain and see if she floats?

– Sincerely yours,
overinformed in L.A.

Dear Over-informed,
Your “incessant babbling” has caused me to wonder, are you talking about yourself?

– Diver