| Divers:
Kevin from Mesa Pizza
Not so Interesting Facts: A sustainable
hedonist who shares off-the-grid home with 10 cats, four goats,
two kids, one wife
Years in the industry: Two
Dear Diver,
Are you familiar with Bewitched? Who was the better “Darren
Stevens,” Dick York or Dick Sargent? I say Dick York.
– Charles,
Durango via email
Charles,
Dick York of course! Sargent always came across like a televangelist.
But what an egotistical male pighead Darren Stevens was! His
wife could move heaven and earth, travel through space and time,
and he wouldn’t let her do it! He wanted her to stay home
and keep house. And yet, Samantha was utterly besotted with
him! Never made sense to me – if my wife was that sort
of witch, I’d only do three things: eat, drink ...well,
ok, four things.
– Thanks,
Diver
P.S. - I went to high school
with Elizabeth Montgomery's nephew.
Dear Diver,
How come everyone gave Charlie Brown a rock when he went trick-or-treating?
Are adults that cruel?
– Jeff,
via email
Jeff,
It’s not so much about cruelty as it is a statement about
modern society. You see, some of us got “rocks”
almost every day when we were growing up. No wait, this implies
that adults are cruel. Hmmm...Sister Theresa was definitely
that cruel.
– Your friend,
Diver
Dear Diver,
How do I become a Diver? Do I have to work? I’m a trust-funder
and work is not happening.
– Marcy,
Durango
Marcy,
Yes, diving is work. That’s why we call it “work,”
you pathetic wannabe. You just think that scamming your picture
into the Telegraph will make you cool. You don’t know
what motivation is! You must be trained. Give me your bag, next
month’s check, then drop and give me 20.
–
Good luck,
Diver
|
|
Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a
sticky situation?
Seek help from the master
of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little
messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." -
By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave.,
Durango, CO 81301;
by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com,
or by fax at 259-0448. |
Dear Diver,
What’s the best way to foil “tricksters”
who may come around my house on Halloween? I’m trying
to stop them from egging, T.P.-ing or flaming poo-bagging
my house. Can you tell me a safe yet somewhat cruel alternative?
– Morris Owens,
Durango
Morris,
Lawn sprinklers with built-in motion detectors would be your
best bet. Other options: a guard llama, super soaker or pressure
washer. Getting thoroughly soaked on All Hallows Eve in these
parts could spell hypothermia – safe yet cruel.
– Happy Halloween,
Diver
Dear Diver,
Is television a safe alternative for babysitting children?
Sure it rots your brain, but I turn it on, put my 4-year-old
in front of it, and he sits there for hours! And it’s
practically free! Meanwhile, I find time to do laundry, make
dinner or nap. As far as I’m concerned it’s the
best “mother’s little helper” ever. What
do you think?
– Happy Mother,
Hesperus
Dearest Happy Mother,
As the father of a 4-year-old, and a former 4-year-old, I
understand your plight. But TV is not a safe alternative.
Let this continue, and he’ll come to think fast food
is good, mall-wart is better and brand-name pharmaceuticals
are best.
– Diver
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