Divers: Kevin from Mesa Pizza

Not so Interesting Facts: A sustainable hedonist who shares off-the-grid home with 10 cats, four goats, two kids, one wife

Years in the industry: Two

Dear Diver,
Are you familiar with Bewitched? Who was the better “Darren Stevens,” Dick York or Dick Sargent? I say Dick York.

– Charles,
Durango via email

Dick York of course! Sargent always came across like a televangelist. But what an egotistical male pighead Darren Stevens was! His wife could move heaven and earth, travel through space and time, and he wouldn’t let her do it! He wanted her to stay home and keep house. And yet, Samantha was utterly besotted with him! Never made sense to me – if my wife was that sort of witch, I’d only do three things: eat, drink ...well, ok, four things.

– Thanks,

P.S. - I went to high school with Elizabeth Montgomery's nephew.

Dear Diver,
How come everyone gave Charlie Brown a rock when he went trick-or-treating? Are adults that cruel?

– Jeff,
via email

It’s not so much about cruelty as it is a statement about modern society. You see, some of us got “rocks” almost every day when we were growing up. No wait, this implies that adults are cruel. Hmmm...Sister Theresa was definitely that cruel.

– Your friend,

Dear Diver,
How do I become a Diver? Do I have to work? I’m a trust-funder and work is not happening.

– Marcy,

Yes, diving is work. That’s why we call it “work,” you pathetic wannabe. You just think that scamming your picture into the Telegraph will make you cool. You don’t know what motivation is! You must be trained. Give me your bag, next month’s check, then drop and give me 20.

– Good luck,


Steve, from Homslice, does a balancing act.

Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,
What’s the best way to foil “tricksters” who may come around my house on Halloween? I’m trying to stop them from egging, T.P.-ing or flaming poo-bagging my house. Can you tell me a safe yet somewhat cruel alternative?

– Morris Owens,

Lawn sprinklers with built-in motion detectors would be your best bet. Other options: a guard llama, super soaker or pressure washer. Getting thoroughly soaked on All Hallows Eve in these parts could spell hypothermia – safe yet cruel.

– Happy Halloween,

Dear Diver,
Is television a safe alternative for babysitting children? Sure it rots your brain, but I turn it on, put my 4-year-old in front of it, and he sits there for hours! And it’s practically free! Meanwhile, I find time to do laundry, make dinner or nap. As far as I’m concerned it’s the best “mother’s little helper” ever. What do you think?

– Happy Mother,

Dearest Happy Mother,
As the father of a 4-year-old, and a former 4-year-old, I understand your plight. But TV is not a safe alternative. Let this continue, and he’ll come to think fast food is good, mall-wart is better and brand-name pharmaceuticals are best.

– Diver




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