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Diver: Steve Morris from Homeslice Pizza

Interesting facts: Between pushing pizza, doing dishes and giving advice, Morris hunts out the truth and plans to uncover every government secret swept under the rug since the Lincoln administration.

Dear Diver,
I’m a new FLC student and my student loan finally came in. The check is in my hand. I’m sweating. Should I go to a snow board shop and buy all new snowboard gear or should I buy school supplies and deodorant? I’m also thinking about my first tattoo.

– Sincerely,
Temporarily Rich

Dear Temporarily Rich,
Hold off on the tattoo, bum school supplies from the guy sitting next to you, and one of your roommates has deodorant around for you. However, YOU need to be responsible for your own gear during snowboard season.

– See you on the mountain,

Dear Diver,
Are flu shots the real deal, I mean, will they keep me healthy during the coming winter or are they a total scam like sea monkeys and pet rocks?

– Jim,
Durango via email

As a diver at CIA headquarters in Dubai in the late ’70s, I uncovered startling facts regarding flu shots. All I can say is DO NOT GET ONE, no matter what anyone tells you.

– Thanks, Diver

Dear Diver,
My girlfriend wants to get a shih-tzu. What the hell is a shih-tzu? Am I stupid for not knowing?

– Walt,
Hermosa via emai

Such naivete to eastern medicinal practice is not uncommon amongst westerners. A shih-tzu is actually a cleansing ritual made popular by the 12th Dalai Lama’s third rinpoche. I think you’ll find it very beneficial to your girlfriend’s health.

– Good Luck,


Steve, from Homslice, does a balancing act.

Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,
Last night I accidentally ripped the tag off my mattress. I hear this is a federal offense. Should I be scared, perhaps leave the country, or turn myself in? Sincerely,

– Future Fugitive
from Gem Village

Dear Future Fugitive,
Unfortunately it is a federal offense put in place by the government to help facilitate the privatized prison industry by creating more criminals. Certainly the beacon inside your mattress has alerted the authorities by now, so you should run like the wind.

– Enjoy Mexico,
The Diver

Dear Diver,
My friends laugh at me. My mom once said “if your friends laugh at you then they’re not really your friends.” Personally, I think that’s a load of junk. However, moms are sometimes right. What do you think?

– Joey, Durango

I suspect your mother was neither funny nor friendly. Ignore her advice.

– Diver




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