Crispy from Carvers
Interesting fact: Voted “Most
Popular Diver” in a recent poll.
My boyfriend is spending the fall semester in Barcelona, and
I am afraid that he will cheat on me. What can I do from here
in the States to make sure he stays faithful?
an Insecure Gal
Dear Insecure Gal,
First of all, is your relationship secure? Are you two deeply
in love? Do you love him enough to trust him? If your answers
are “yes” then you need not worry. Just send him
email and pictures of yourself. In other words, keep contact.
Don’t cheat on him either.
– The Diver
P.S. It’s OK to “enjoy the scenery” without
Who do you think is cooler, Kid Rock or Eminem? WORD!
–T-Bone aka Mas T
I’ll tell you what. Light up some incense, mix yourself
two gin martinis and put on a CD of polka classics. After two
hours of this, you’ll know the answer yourself. Hey, I
– the Diver
Do you encourage meeting girls online? I mean, I know it’s
pathetic, but the bars smell funny and so do the people that
inhabit them. Please help, I’m lonely and getting lonelier!
– Been Lonely Too Long
Have you tried DRINKING at the bars? If so, and the whole scene
still smells funny, then be my guest. Just don’t be too
surprised when “she” turns out to be a 65-year-old
man who dresses like Waldo.
Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a
Seek help from the master
of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little
messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." -
By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave.,
Durango, CO 81301;
by email at email@example.com,
or by fax at 259-0448.
Earlier in the summer, I was vacationing in Wildwood, N.J.,
and I purchased a t-shirt that says “FBI-Female Body
Inspector.” My wife thinks the shirt is sexist, do you?
– No. 1 Female Body
Tell me one thing. Have you used your new-found authority
to inspect HER body?
I’ve been reading this column for six weeks now and
I wonder: What qualifies you and the rest of the divers to
give advice? I mean, do you have your PhD? What are your credentials?
– A concerned citizen
Dear concerned citizen,
Here’s what you need:
- two D-cell batteries
- two spent road flares
- a handful of chocolate chips
- three inches of kite string
- six inches of copper wire
- the hide from a road-killed squirrel
If you can figure out what to do with these ingredients, then
YOU may be qualified to give advice.
– Good luck,