Diver: Crispy from Carvers
Interesting fact: Voted “Most Popular Diver” in a recent poll.

Dear Diver,
My boyfriend is spending the fall semester in Barcelona, and I am afraid that he will cheat on me. What can I do from here in the States to make sure he stays faithful?

an Insecure Gal
via email

Dear Insecure Gal,
First of all, is your relationship secure? Are you two deeply in love? Do you love him enough to trust him? If your answers are “yes” then you need not worry. Just send him email and pictures of yourself. In other words, keep contact. Don’t cheat on him either.

– The Diver
P.S. It’s OK to “enjoy the scenery” without partaking!

Yo Diver,
Who do you think is cooler, Kid Rock or Eminem? WORD!

–T-Bone aka Mas T

Yo T-Bone,
I’ll tell you what. Light up some incense, mix yourself two gin martinis and put on a CD of polka classics. After two hours of this, you’ll know the answer yourself. Hey, I guarantee it!

– the Diver

Dearest Diver,
Do you encourage meeting girls online? I mean, I know it’s pathetic, but the bars smell funny and so do the people that inhabit them. Please help, I’m lonely and getting lonelier!

– Been Lonely Too Long
in Durango

Dear Lonely,
Have you tried DRINKING at the bars? If so, and the whole scene still smells funny, then be my guest. Just don’t be too surprised when “she” turns out to be a 65-year-old man who dresses like Waldo.

– the Diver


Crispy, who insists his name is no reflection on his dishwashing skills.

Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Earlier in the summer, I was vacationing in Wildwood, N.J., and I purchased a t-shirt that says “FBI-Female Body Inspector.” My wife thinks the shirt is sexist, do you?

– No. 1 Female Body Inspector

Mr. FBI,
Tell me one thing. Have you used your new-found authority to inspect HER body?

– Sincerely,


Dear Diver,
I’ve been reading this column for six weeks now and I wonder: What qualifies you and the rest of the divers to give advice? I mean, do you have your PhD? What are your credentials?

– A concerned citizen
from Durango

Dear concerned citizen,
Here’s what you need:
- two D-cell batteries
- two spent road flares
- a handful of chocolate chips
- three inches of kite string
- six inches of copper wire
- the hide from a road-killed squirrel
If you can figure out what to do with these ingredients, then YOU may be qualified to give advice.

– Good luck, Diver




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